Thursday, January 07, 2010

Black, Single, and Clueless

The following women = why I have had my current preferences for the past 20 years.

I didn't want to do this... Believe me, I really really didn't. I really don't care for topics pertaining to Black cultural nonsense. I would much rather write about Afghanistan, Iran, Health care, the economy, Democratic Senators announcing their retirements, my job search, my hopes for the coming year, etc...all topics where I have a Hell of a lot more interest.

I have writers block right now... and I'm also enjoying a break before my classes start again... i'm not really in blogging mode. However, I wrote a quite long and detailed commentary about the topic of the ABC/Washington Post story regarding single Black women... but later assigned it to the cutting room floor. I decided that I wouldn't post on the topic after all. Besides, the topic has been discussed and examined from just about every angle... particularly on great blogs like The Black Snob....where the discussion in the comments section was robust and had at least a little balance. But I made the mistake of strolling over to some of the Black Male Hatred blogs (those run by Black women that lump all Black men together), and the commentary was irrational and damn near unbelievable. Some of the nonsense I had to read 2 or 3 times to make sure I read it correctly. Needless to say... I allowed it to send me over the edge.

I don't want my blog to = negative material... so when possible I prefer to keep things upbeat. That's why I wanted to avoid the topic. So I won't post any of the commentary that I actually wrote... which was some pretty good stuff btw. I don't see the point of getting carpel tunnel, especially when I won't change the mind of a single person on this issue. Black women certainly aren't going to listen. I also didn't want to be accused of "attacking Black women", "throwing Black women under the Bus", "engaging in a 'piling on' against Black women", or any of the other things that you're accused of when you are critical of certain people. So instead of posting my commentary, I will post the videos that I was going to use with my text (in the order that I was going to use them). It will give you somewhat of an idea...a general picture of what I might have written or what general direction I went in. But the text had much more detail. I will include a few comments from readers of other blogs... because they really made some great points.

Just as a preface:

Disclaimer - I don't agree with everything in the following videos. But they provide some context and make good points. I agree with Paul Brunson on about 90% of the comments from his video clip. Also...Black women aren't a monolith... not all fit the picture painted by ABC. But a sizable number certainly do.... and I would say that half of "professional" Black women do to some degree (and half may be Conservative). Also... this post is not an endorsement of Steve Harvey. I'm not a huge fan of Harvey. ABC decided to put him in the segment... not me. Some of the videos have Rated R language. They aren't my videos... but they are still useful. My apologies in advance. Lastly, I will not allow comments for this post at all. End of Disclaimer.

Generally speaking, these are women who I would run from as fast as I could. Even if I could afford them, they would not be the kinds of women who I would pursue. There is something especially empty about these women. They commodify themselves, as well as men. It's almost as if they market themselves as items for sale. Everything in their world is thought of in the context of money and material things. Granted... most women (across race and culture) judge men based on money, career, title, etc.... It's part of the female DNA. It's a biological thing. That's why I have never approached a woman and won't be dating again until I am earning in the neighborhood of $50,000.00 a year (the amount of money required for a man to be considered viable in American society). Hope to earn that amount in my 40's... and maybe i'll start a family then. Right now i'm a Grad student who earns roughly half that amount (considered pathetic). But it seems to be more of an issue to some women. This is what I have noticed in my 36 years in this _____ed up world. And I have noticed that the modern Black culture especially (which I don't ascribe to, thankfully) is more identified with this sort of superficial mindset.

The gaping hole.... their emptiness is so vast that you almost miss it if you aren't paying attention. Notice how "Love", "Character" (of the man), "Values", ideas like the value of hard work, you know...things of substance... none of these things get much of a mention .... Hell, some of these items aren't mentioned at all in the entire segment. So in other words... it was what wasn't said.... it was what was missing, that actually spoke the loudest to me about these people. What the ____? I guess I was the only one who noticed.

But it begs the question.... are these women even aware of what a good man is? Are they even aware of the attributes to look for to identify an actual man? So, they dated thugs in their twenties.... and NOW they want an actual man. hmmm. Not the case for all....but certainly the case for many of these ladies. The segment also didn't mention children. I'm willing to bet my right arm that at least some of these women from the segment or from the Washington Post story have children. I personally would not be interested in someone with children...and I wouldn't date anyone who has dated shady men other words...women who are with or have been with thugs (this says a lot about her character...her judgment ....her ability to make good decisions.). And here's another clue for the boneheads among us.... If you are looking for men in nightclubs (actual men)... you might not get very far. Try to find another setting (school, church, hobby group, trusted word of mouth, the coffee shop, the local park/dog park, private function, volunteer group, quality online service, grocery store...and make the first move/go for what you want). I, for one, have never been to any stupid nightclubs. Stop imitating the women from The Real Housewives series! That is not what good, educated men (family men) are looking for. There are a good number of well-to-do men, and playboys who will look for these kinds of women...just for a fling... just for a piece or for a trophy wife (if you live off of your looks.. God help you)...but good, decent family men will see right through you and will either pass you up, or use you for what you are willing to give him, until he can find a women who makes the grade as a potential wife. We don't like the b.s. (especially the nonsense on 'The Real Housewives'). We want to come home to a peaceful household at the end of the day. Home = the castle...even if it's just a modest Apt.

These are the same women who laughed at the nerdy Black boys in school....and teased them for the way they talked (this was the case for me)... meanwhile they chased the jocks, playboys, and gang bangers (yes... thugs, packaged for prison). By High School, I had realized that my preferences were different anyway.

I prefer, Asian, Latina, or White women (can be average looking) w/ degree who are more on the geek side...and have more of a socially conservative view. Someone who shares my values and who understands (and appreciates) the value of hard work...and appreciates the sweat that goes into earning a dollar. Yes...these women may be hard for me (a Black guy) to get largely because of my race...(thanks to the beautiful job that the so-called "Black community" has done in presenting a positive Black male image)...but i'll take my chances. Why put up with that kind of stress...when there is something better elsewhere that may allow me to have lower blood pressure, lol?

Somehow the value of hard honest days work... appreciating the value of a dollar, putting things like Love, Loyalty, Character, Romance, etc....ahead of material & money has been lost in Black Culture over the past 20 years. These concepts used to be important... Go back to the 1950's and 60's... a Black man who worked in a factory...worked at the post office, or served in the military and took care of his family was just as loved and cherished as the Doctor or the business man... at least by his own family. Hell...some of these men were better men....better fathers. They were once the pillars of Black culture. Black women weren't always this way. Don't feed me that bullshit. Coretta Scott didn't marry Dr. King for money.... in fact, he didn't have much in the way of material wealth. There was no way she could have known what was in store..the road that they would travel. Dr. King wasn't even a household name in 1953 when he married Scott (at her parents house). He wasn't even nationally known. And when he died he didn't have a boatload of money. The same goes for many women of that time- there were many Coretta Scott's.

But today you have all sorts of nonsense going on.... $30,000, $40,000, $50,000, and $100,000 that could be used for something else. (and if a man can't provide the Platinum wedding and the $500,000 home..he's not good enough).

Too good to talk to the letter carrier? Too good to talk to the Limo driver? Too good to talk to the security officer? Too good to talk to the school teacher? Too good to talk to the utility worker?

Modern Black culture has screwed up the brains of these women.... they want to live the lives of the Black celebs that they see on Television.... like BET (Black Exploitation Television) and the like; a subculture that is just as empty as they are. These are the kinds of women who I would tell to go to Hell (and would enjoy telling them).

I guess i'm more shocked at the idea that these women don't have a clue as to why they are in the situation they are in. might get a clue from this blog. But would it do any good?.... probably not.

(No the above isn't from my actual commentary....just a preface to the videos. Yes...I wrote more than I wanted to...but my actual post was much longer.)

Paul Brunson

The 49th Car - Rated R. Clearly these women don't know about the 49th Car. They are never taught this as girls, unfortunately.

Examples of the 49th car are abundant... MLK = the 49th Car, Bill Gates = the 49th car, and numerous more moderate examples are around us all the time. I suspect (and hope) that I, The Angry Independent = the 49th car.

This video was done by a youtuber w/ a white wife who constantly has to deal with the backlash. I don't endorse his language.... and I don't agree with some of his points & comments. But his broader point is useful for this post.

49th Car, Part II

Comments from The Black Snob's blog (won't post screen names): All Great Points.

#1). You just hit the nail on the head. I keep talking about how so much of this dialogue goes back to gender roles. There's plenty of men who are out there, looking, and in alot of ways are mirror images of these women in terms of their circumstances. Yet the male gender role says that if a man is out there, he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong, make corrections, and keep trying. The female gender role doesn't really prescribe that sort of introspection and self-critique to the same extent that it does men. So then you get all these women, or at least a portrayal, who are basically just whining and not looking for ANY answers/solutions within.

I hope the culture at large starts to force women to figure out what they may be doing wrong if they find themselves unhappily single (not be confused with women who are singel adn cool with it.) It's been a solid 25 years of this and it got tired sometime around the Very Special Episode of Different Strokes.

#2). Until recently,(I'm ashamed to admit) I was beginning to think that I wasn't attractive enough to get a man. I was beginning to think that I was invisible to single men within my age group and with whom I share an educational background. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I see things in a different light. First, if the women in this video don't have mates then something else must be afoot because they are all beautiful and accomplished. (ding ding ding ding!) Second, I realize that maybe, deep down, I cherish my independence and freedom too much to want to share with anyone. I like who I am with all my quirks and I don't want to change. Why should I? Add to that, relationship people (you're the type who always speak in terms of "we") really annoy me. And married women who feel that the goal in life is to get a man marry them, just are not my type of people.

Now I don't feel bad about turning down the brother in accounts who smokes a pack a day, has bad teeth and 2 kids and 2 baby mamas.

This clip really gives me more to think about

#3). Perspective from a middle class black dude: Something about the women in the clip to me said "you need more people." The one with the green eyes who started off looking for a 6'5" dude is NOT representative of an avg. blk woman looking for a good blk man. She started off looking for a dude in the league and now that that didn't pan out, she's moving down the roster. The cheerleader with the Benz and the excessive extracurriculars also seemed like her lifestyle was very status-based. There was this whole black Sex and the City kind of vibe to the whole thing. Lots of champagne glasses clinking and fabulous designer lifestyles and such, but very little in the way of anything that would make a man more interested in being with any of them day in and day out and raising a family with them.

Besides that, They did this in Atlanta, which is a city whose culture is so flashy and surface-oriented, they should just rename it East Las Vegas.

#4). There are plenty of men looking to be taken care of. That goes for women as well. I am not talking about those people. I am not talking about dead beat men or gold digging women. I am talking about law abiding, socially adjusted men. And the point of the earlier post is to say ambition is relative. When does one get enough? At what point does a person become content. With more possessions and the pursuit of possessions come more headaches. Most men see this. It is not the acquisition of "things" that many men are put off by. It is the trouble you have to go through to gain and maintain them. At some point the means just don't justify the ends anymore.

I know plenty of brothers who choose to drive older model used cars. They could go on any BMW lot and drive off with a new luxury car if they wanted. But when you calculate the cost of the note (or lease payment), the increased insurance, and maintenance (getting it detailed every week, etc.) many just don't think it’s worth it. Is that a lack of ambition? Or is it financial intelligence? What if they have hobbies that are personally fulfilling they would rather put that money toward? Are they losers? What if they want to retire early? It’s kind of hard to do that if you are living at the top of your means for most of your professional life.

I thank God I have a wife that understands that I refuse to kill myself just to have a shiny new car, some overpriced brand name clothes, and the faux lifestyle of the wanna be rich and "successful". I thank God she doesn't think an overpriced handbag is in any way an indicator of personal or professional success. But I got lucky. I found a woman whose values match mine. Matching values and views of success between men and women are becoming more of the expectation now.

Instead of whining.... why not date men of other ethnic groups? I agree that Black men (in many ways) have failed. There may not be enough eligible Black men....(even if these Black women had realistic expectations). So why not date other men? Who says that Black men should be their only choice? That's crazy. One problem could be that men of other ethnic groups see some of the same problems. Hmmm Here, the above youtuber is going over the numbers from the recent online dating survey (which is a pretty revealing report). It examined dating patterns/online behavior and included the race of the participants. But even with that... I still support the idea of Black women broadening their horizons. Although I also understand that there are plenty of women who don't want to get married.

See another video with interview of book author looking into this subject.

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