Another Holiday Season has arrived, and I can't wait until it's over. I hate this time of the year. It's the time of year when the worst of American Culture seems to rise to the surface all at once- gluttony, greed, materialism, ultra-capitalism, religious grand standing, the celebration of Holidays for which many Americans don't seem to fully understand, complete lunacy on the nations roads and in the retail centers..., people fighting over parking spaces and willing to assault one another over Chinese made goods (the irony), you name it. It's a complete circus, and American consumers are the clowns. The Holiday season is like lancing an infected wound so that the fluids can drain out. And it's the same thing every year.
I also hate this time of year because I typically end up with an outlook (esp. on my life) which is opposite of what most people tend to have. While most people are preaching about all of the things that they are thankful for, I end up thinking about all that I DON'T have. I am forced to think about all of the things that I have not attained or achieved... all of the goals that I was not able to accomplish over the last year. I am basically reminded of my lack of accomplishment in general. How my life has been a failure over the last 30 something years to this point. I am reminded of all the things about my life and about myself that I hate.
I hate watching rich folks falling over themselves to spend their money this time of year. It is like an "in your face" type of deal from my perspective. While they throw their money around (on nonsense that they don't need) I am reminded that I live from paycheck to paycheck (yes, i'm broke) and can't take care of my basic needs. And no money almost always = no woman, and crappy everything else, at least for me. The lack of income is the source of most of my dissatisfaction with life. This time of year is everyone's chance to show off their success and financial prowess in a sense...and I can only watch this nonsense as an outside observer (not that I would take part if I could...but I couldn't if I wanted to). In fact, I actually felt like I had more money when I entered the job market 14 years ago...and I probably did have more money to spend then than I do today when you factor in the cost of living. The Holidays are a reminder of my chronic under-employment... and I can't help but to believe that my condition has something to do with where I started- my position in life from the womb. I end up questioning the missteps of my parents...although I know that looking back won't do a damn thing for me now. But being Black, it seems that I was already behind in the rat race by default. Coming from parents, esp. my biological mother...(the term "egg donor" comes to mind) who did not do all they could to prepare their children for this madness, questions of where I could be- "if, had they did this or that"... always come up and never seem to escape my mind.
And I am annoyed by folks constantly telling me "Happy Holidays".... There isn't anything Happy about this time of year for me. But I am usually polite and I give them a head nod and a forced smile to acknowledge their well meaning gesture. Sometimes though I end up frowning or acting like I don't hear them. But this constant reminder of the Holidays is translated in my brain as "You are still broke, Black, and at the same place you were a year ago"... "Congratulations!" I don't hear good tidings... It's never just "Happy Holidays" to me.
Terrible I know.
If that makes me a Grinch, then so be it.
I will try to follow up with a Part 2...
...On being poor and Black during the Holidays...and how I can't seem to do anything to change it, at least the Black part. Also on chasing the American Dream...and how it is becoming harder to attain, even if you work hard.
In the meantime, I get to watch the sickness of America called the Christmas shopping season. The Christmas season encapsulates just about everything that is wrong with this Country.