While listening to NPR a couple of weeks back I caught an interesting topic on the program ‘Tell Me More’. The segment covered the subject of abstinence and how the panel of 30-somethings were handling life without sex. For the panel (all women) their reasons were of the typical nature - the desire to meet prince charming, be swept off their feet, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Basically it centered around a moral choice. At least one guest also mentioned the desire to explore a professional career before entering a marriage or family situation. I was a bit surprised that there were other people waiting so late.
You see… I always thought that I was an anomaly. And for the most part I still feel that way, but I am not as odd as I thought. I am 39 and abstinent. Have been all my life. The reasons for me? Well, I would like to say that I have some sort of moral standard that has kept me abstinent, like retired NBA Star A.C. Green. But that’s probably not it. While my morals may be a part of the reason, it isn’t the primary reason for my situation. Believe me, if the right opportunity would have presented itself over the last 20+ years, I would have taken it. But it never materialized.
For me, it’s a combination of things that have kept me abstinent. Mainly it has to do with a lack of access. In other words, I pretty much avoid places like nightclubs, and big social events. Even if I engaged in social activities more often it would not make much of a difference. I have never even asked a woman for a phone number or made an approach to request a date in my adult life. I don’t exude the kind of cockiness, or aggressiveness that men often need to have these days.. (the aggressiveness women say they hate but that many of them really like and see as confidence on a subconscious level). I have always been too cool for that. I have never been in favor of putting myself in a position to get shot down. But I think it’s more of a pride thing. The idea of chasing women gives me a headache... it's just not in my blood.
Well, I must be ugly then? Nope… not the case either. I almost wish it were the case, then I would have a better excuse. But I am an average to maybe a little above average looking man. Although I have always hated the way that I look. I have always wished that I looked like a young Robert De Niro, Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. But I’m not a bad looking guy. People would often call me Carlton from the 'Fresh Prince' back when that show was on. But I never thought I looked anything like Alfonso Ribeiro (although I wouldn't mind having his money & his women).
I am slightly socially awkward, but it's not too bad for me. I get stressed in social situations where I am around a lot of people who I don’t know. This stresses me out tremendously. This is why certain social situations that would be enjoyable and relaxing to some people, are draining and stressful…basically like work for me. But I am pretty cool though and can navigate my way through anything. I am able to flip a switch that allows me to work a room and flow pretty much like normal. I could at least find a small group of people and flow just fine with them. So basically, if you saw me in a large social situation (mixer), you probably wouldn’t know that I am stressed out or that it is taxing for me to be there unless I told you. I’m better in one on one situations or with small groups of people who I know.
I believe that the main issue is my lack of income. It always seems to go back to that issue. I have had the misfortune of being stuck in a lot of less than stellar jobs. Since men are often defined & rated by women and by society, based on what they do, my work and income situation has been a confidence killer. In the world of dating and relationships… even sex, money drives everything.
Health has something to do with this too… I have always been scared to death of disease. I am a little picky too. I could probably go to some nightclub (I really really hate bars and nightclubs by the way) and pick up a chick….. But she probably wouldn’t be the kind of woman who I would really want. I wouldn’t want someone who would come home with me from a bar or nightclub. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I am a little old fashioned. But I would rather be in a steady dating situation first… with someone of a certain standard…who is worthy. I would really prefer a long-term situation. That’s the ideal scenario. But it has been fleeting. (Not that I have been looking hard). For the past 15 years I have not been focused on dating… I have been focused on trying to secure the kind of employment and financial future required to attract a mate. That hasn’t worked out exactly as planned either. So now I’m stuck questioning everything that I have been doing. Meanwhile, I see acquaintances (I don’t even want to call them acquaintances) bragging about how good their sex lives are and how many young women are throwing themselves at them. It’s frustrating because these guys aren’t worth a dime… yet the women line up to be with them. Even my acquaintances and relatives on the higher end of the food chain… have no problem in the dating and intimacy department. So I would be lying if I said this situation doesn’t piss me off. Women are typically looking for buttholes for boyfriends... badboys/thugs, "players", or men who are financially well-off. It's harder to meet women & date when you don't fit into any of these boxes.
But being celibate or abstinent has its benefits. I like the peace of mind of not having to worry about STD’s. I like the freedom of not having to worry about dating anyone right now… I hate the whole dating ritual. Trying to impress someone and watching every little move I make is taxing work.
But then again… I would eventually like a family at some point. Family has its perks and benefits too.
When (if) I do reach a point where I can date again (depends on money and job situation…unfortunately this is what it’s all about)… I am not sure what to tell my date. Do I mention the V word? Or do I make up some elaborate story about the women I have been intimate with?
As a man, I’d feel a certain way if I had a girlfriend but I wasn’t able to take care of her. Nothing special, but you’d like to be able to at least go the movies every weekend and buy her nice things. Yeah, I’m in school now and working towards something. but I’ve actually stopped dating a woman I was interested in because I wasn’t where I needed to be financially. It’s a pride thing.
I can relate to many of the comments in the article, especially the one above. The exact same epiphany occurred to me several years ago. I stopped dating a young lady (cute Mexican accounting student in her mid 20’s), because I could not court her the way that I wanted to. The relationship was probably not going to go anywhere anyway, but I called it quits early. My obstacles, or what I saw as obstacles, always came down to a lack of money & resources. That was 8 years ago & I haven’t dated since. I don’t see myself as good enough (not for the women I find interesting).
I decided that I had to work on building myself professionally/financially if I was going to date seriously, and be successful. Yes, my pride played a big role in that decision and is a big reason why I don't date today.
But I’m torn about that way of thinking. On one hand, I think dating should be about compatibility, shared values/interests, and the connection between two people. It should not be all about the superficial - the status chasing, the big job, nice car, expensive condo, etc. However, on the other hand, I recognize (& hate) the fact that the real world of dating has a system of rules set up, rules mostly established by women, that forces me to play that game (the superficial game) whether I want to or not.
It’s just interesting to see money as being not only the reason people are divorcing, but now it also seems to be a big reason why singles have a hard time meeting and connecting in the first place. Also interesting to see that my experiences are not unique. I want to say women are to blame for this… but it comes down to society and a pop culture that has warped the minds of Generation X (My Generation) and Generation Y even more. People (women in particular) are watching too much TV. Men are expected to be well-to-do from the first date. There is no building anything together anymore. Today, women consider the man who isn’t fully established monetarily as a loser…. And they move on to the next one, and the next, until they find the attorney, the Barack Obama, the CEO, the Banker, the doctor, the entertainer, or professional athlete that they want. Women aren’t even looking for personality and character anymore… things about the inner core of the man himself… those items are secondary to her. Today, women are searching for titles…status, money…. It’s all about what you do for a living. Whatever it is that you do either has to be raking in cash…or has to have the potential to do so.
When you are a Black man almost exclusively interested in interracial dating, like myself, the problem doesn’t go away.
The article is a great read… the comments section is also very interesting.
(Someone could probably make a lot of money by starting an a**hole finishing school). Apparently I was raised wrong. I feel as if I have to be deprogrammed. I was raised to be an actual man (something that is quickly going out of style). My blueprint was an actual man. But that kind of man isn't celebrated much anymore.
I'm not actually going to change into an a**hole, because the woman who wants that isn't the type of woman I prefer in the first place. I haven't dated in years (despise the dating scene) but back when I did date briefly... I was able to see this phenomenon first hand. It came in the form of a Mexican woman who was used to being treated poorly...and didn't understand anything I was doing (it was unusual and unfamiliar to her). She was 24 & I was 30 at the time... not sure if age played a part. Instead of enjoying the time... she couldn't help mentioning the a**hole that she dated before. I ended up leaving her alone. I have a feeling that she went back to the a**hole.
I have mentioned the okcupid report before on this blog.... I even overshared about my own experiences with racial barriers (outright discrimination) in horrible world of dating- this was before I even knew about this report. See the post "White Men Only". The report validated my own experiences...and let me know that I wasn't crazy.
What if he can’t give you the platinum fairytale wedding? Do you pass him up and wait for a man who can? Has it all come down to the wedding? I think that it has to a certain degree. Women (many of them) seem to be falling in love with the idea of the wedding day itself, as much as with the men that they claim to want to spend the rest of their lives with. This is at least part of the reason why half of all marriages in this Country fail. They often aren’t based on anything real to begin with.
I guess I’m a little old fashioned. I though marriages and weddings were supposed to be based on real love. I guess that went out of style at some point. It must have. Because weddings have now turned into huge gluttonous events, where the bride gets to show off for her friends. That’s basically what weddings (and now even marriages) have become. You get the sense that they all have a competition going where one is trying to outdo the other.
A recent blog posting by the Field Negro (Philly Attorney), entitled The Power of the Bling, led me to write on this topic. The subject of his post was very similar - the venality & superficiality of women, particularly when it comes to the ring. Of course my response was a little hardcore, but it was painfully true. We are living in a society that is growing more and more shallow by the day. Money and material things are increasing in importance for many women. Most women are Gold Diggers or have the tendencies of same to some degree (and this varies). Sorry ladies. Love ya! But I can’t abandon the truth. To me, this includes women who won’t date a man unless he has a certain type of job, earns a certain arbitrary amount of money, or unless he’s a certain race (especially the race most synonymous with money & “success”); all the way up to the women who stalk entertainers, pro athletes, rich attorneys & CEO’s…and the Donald Trumps and will generally only pursue millionaires. These are often women who aren’t ashamed to admit that they want to marry for money. Anything less than the figure on their theoretical price tags is considered “settling” or marrying down. Notice I didn’t mention character at any point…. Because character apparently isn’t one of their top factors for finding a suitable partner (that’s a clue as to why they so often choose bad men… the dogs, playboys, the a--holes, the inconsiderate guys, or those who never seem to work out for them for one reason or another).
There is an entire wedding industry in this country that plays right into this f**knuttery. The numbers back up the fact that these are grand gluttonous events. The wedding industry does roughly $70 Billion worth of business annually, with the average wedding costing approximately $30,000 (Pre-economic collapse of 2008-2009). (also see here). And when you are talking about middle class professionals & the upper middle class, you are looking at weddings easily costing more than $50,000.00. In some parts of the country $50,000 is actually the average. So before you even get to what many would consider a platinum wedding (well over $100,000.00) you are paying tens of thousands….just as an average. I hover between lower middle class and working class. (although I have a graduate degree & a half at this point). For me the lower average of $30,000 is platinum territory. I would definitely see $50,000 as “platinum”. Who needs to spend that kind of money for a wedding? It’s insane. The cost of a wedding has increased several fold just over the past 3 decades or so. It wasn’t always like this. Back in the 1950’s, 60’s, 70’s…even the 1980’s, folks didn’t go into massive debt for “the big day”. There have always been platinum weddings, but they were typically limited to those at the very top- those who we refer to today as being the top 1 or 2 percent. These extravagant parties were not the burden of the average American. Most people really didn’t care much about the lavishness of the wedding ceremony or the reception in those days. Folks would spend a couple thousand bucks, use the house or a friends home as a venue and would have a great time. Why? Because it was about love, companionship and family, or at least that's the message that was sent. Coretta Scott married MLK in her parents house. MLK didn’t have much money at the time - he was a fledgling minister. I keep using that example because it says quite a bit about how society has changed in terms of values. And we don’t necessarily have to go back that far to find that kind of an example. I can recall my fathers wedding to my step-mother back in 1986. I was 12 years old and was the ring bearer. No lavish wedding… they had the wedding in the living room of our house in Kansas. Could they have had a bigger wedding? Absolutely. My parents could have thrown a military gala on post, could have invited dozens of their military and Shriner buddies….Or could have had a big private affair in town. But why spend all that money…or go into debt unnecessarily? They ended up having a small event with about 30 or so friends and a few family members from St. Louis who drove up for the weekend. The money was better spent on the house, their two kids, and a third child that was to come into the world about 18 months later (BTW..That child - the one who wasn’t even thought of in 1986 - is now serving in the Navy…the military tradition continues. They just love to say we aren‘t patriotic don‘t they?). Smart decision in my opinion. That wedding taught me a lesson about what was important.
The wedding industry racket that pushes lavish weddings is a rather recent phenomenon. Today it’s not just the top 1 or 2 percent that have the big expensive weddings…. The average couple is now expected to throw tens of thousands into a wedding. Most women not only want it, but there is an expectation that they’ll get it.
It should be no surprise that when weddings were about love and relationships, marriages tended to last longer. As weddings have gotten more superficial, so have the marriages. Cause & effect? No. But it says a lot about the values of a society when “things” are valued more than people & relationships. It also speaks to the issue of class and the widening gaps between groups. The U.S. is becoming more of a class based society...almost like India's Caste system in some ways (for instance...it is becoming more difficult to move up in the U.S. if you are at or near the bottom). The class stratification is getting worse. Yes it is true that weddings, relationships and marriage are about money to a large degree...and traditionally they have always been about money. But in past generations they were also about love, family, companionship and certain values. (I don't agree with the preceding NYTimes article that claims "marriage for love" to be a recent phenomenon). There were definitely reasons other than just money for marriage/family in the nations history. Money didn't mean everything...it didn't dominate in past generations the way that it does today. Family was much more important when the U.S. was more of an agrarian society. Having plenty of hands was important for survival. With the rise of modern commercial farming, with 50% or more of the population now living in urban areas....and with the independence of women since the 1970's and 80's, the practicality of large families and the need to marry have waned.
I occasionally watch programs like “Platinum Weddings”, “Rich Bride/Poor Bride”, “My Fair Wedding”, “Who’s Wedding Is It Anyway”, etc…. just to see how ridiculous the people are. They demonstrate how thoroughly screwed up our society really is. It’s like watching a sociological train wreck. It is clear to me that women are marrying money (not all …but certainly a significant portion of them). They are marrying material thing. Men in many cases (not all…but many) are simply conduits for women to live a certain status based lifestyle…to simply have access to the “things” they want. They are marrying “things” and not men.
I was watching Platinum Weddings a few days ago & it was the episode with Tony Gwynn’s daughter as the bride. Several hundred thousand was spent on that wedding. I caught another episode with an Asian bride & a white groom (cough cough) where something on the order of $100,000 was spent just on flowers. This kind of craziness has now crept into the mainstream. But is it right? More importantly, could it hurt the marriage itself? (not that marriage is a grand institution anymore… I happen to believe that weddings and the wedding culture are a joke, and the state of marriage is in the toilet). But the point is, could this just add to the reasons why men shouldn’t get married? Could it discourage marriage? I think it could. The more I learn about weddings and the state of marriage today- that both are largely about money and little else - the less receptive I become to the idea of marriage. In fact, it is making me run in the other direction, as far away from the idea as I can get. What incentives does a man have for getting married? In just about every measure… it’s a losing proposition for a man. There is no incentive. In fact, I would say that there is probably more of an incentive today for a man to stay single. Marriages are nothing more than business contracts today…and no good business man would want to sign a lopsided contract. In the business world it doesn't happen that way. Why would a business man sign a lopsided contract that benefit’s the other side 80%-20%? It's unheard of. So why should a man enter into an equivalent deal in the world of marriage? Men typically lose the most from beginning to end.... from the first time he meets his future wife (he spends tons and has to demonstrate financial prowess to impress), to the time that the divorce is final and she takes almost everything he has worked for....and in some cases...he loses financially for the rest of her life...if he has to pay alimony...not to mention any child support required.
I came to the realization about 6 years ago that marriage was not in the cards for me - that it was not likely to happen. And for the first time, I’m starting to get comfortable with that reality. I was 30 then. Now I’m approaching 37. The further I have gotten away from 30, the more I feel that I don’t want to get married at all. I see marriage, weddings, and the rest as something that I actually can’t afford. I see women and weddings as being for men who can afford them. (Yes, I see women & relationships and all the stuff they bring as being expense items at this point). A woman who fits the typical mold (which generally isn’t my type anyway) literally just isn’t affordable. I have already begun to come to terms with the idea of living the rest of my life as a single guy. I have been chasing an American Dream for the past 18 years that is becoming more elusive. And I never reached a point during all that time where I actually enjoyed life. It seems as though a long stretch of my life has been wasted. So I have been trying to figure out how I will contribute to the World solo. There is one bright side to this situation… being single for so long (basically all my life) means that I won’t really miss anything by remaining single. But I do hold the door open 5 years down the road when maybe I’m doing a little better on the employment and financial front for a sexy nerd who doesn’t care about Platinum weddings, or how much money I earn.
In the meantime, I will remain disgusted by our society.
Related Link
The future of America - Tyra Show segment on women teaching daughters to marry for money. (I don't really like Tyra Banks...never have. But I found this link on youtube and thought that the segment was actually useful...and that's rare for the Tyra Banks Show, lol).
The following women = why I have had my current preferences for the past 20 years.
I didn't want to do this... Believe me, I really really didn't. I really don't care for topics pertaining to Black cultural nonsense. I would much rather write about Afghanistan, Iran, Health care, the economy, Democratic Senators announcing their retirements, my job search, my hopes for the coming year, etc...all topics where I have a Hell of a lot more interest.
I have writers block right now... and I'm also enjoying a break before my classes start again... i'm not really in blogging mode. However, I wrote a quite long and detailed commentary about the topic of the ABC/Washington Post story regarding single Black women... but later assigned it to the cutting room floor. I decided that I wouldn't post on the topic after all. Besides, the topic has been discussed and examined from just about every angle... particularly on great blogs like The Black Snob....where the discussion in the comments section was robust and had at least a little balance. But I made the mistake of strolling over to some of the Black Male Hatred blogs (those run by Black women that lump all Black men together), and the commentary was irrational and damn near unbelievable. Some of the nonsense I had to read 2 or 3 times to make sure I read it correctly. Needless to say... I allowed it to send me over the edge.
I don't want my blog to = negative material... so when possible I prefer to keep things upbeat. That's why I wanted to avoid the topic. So I won't post any of the commentary that I actually wrote... which was some pretty good stuff btw. I don't see the point of getting carpel tunnel, especially when I won't change the mind of a single person on this issue. Black women certainly aren't going to listen. I also didn't want to be accused of "attacking Black women", "throwing Black women under the Bus", "engaging in a 'piling on' against Black women", or any of the other things that you're accused of when you are critical of certain people. So instead of posting my commentary, I will post the videos that I was going to use with my text (in the order that I was going to use them). It will give you somewhat of an idea...a general picture of what I might have written or what general direction I went in. But the text had much more detail. I will include a few comments from readers of other blogs... because they really made some great points.
Just as a preface:
Disclaimer - I don't agree with everything in the following videos. But they provide some context and make good points. I agree with Paul Brunson on about 90% of the comments from his video clip. Also...Black women aren't a monolith... not all fit the picture painted by ABC. But a sizable number certainly do.... and I would say that half of "professional" Black women do to some degree (and half may be Conservative). Also... this post is not an endorsement of Steve Harvey. I'm not a huge fan of Harvey. ABC decided to put him in the segment... not me. Some of the videos have Rated R language. They aren't my videos... but they are still useful. My apologies in advance. Lastly, I will not allow comments for this post at all. End of Disclaimer.
Generally speaking, these are women who I would run from as fast as I could. Even if I could afford them, they would not be the kinds of women who I would pursue. There is something especially empty about these women. They commodify themselves, as well as men. It's almost as if they market themselves as items for sale. Everything in their world is thought of in the context of money and material things. Granted... most women (across race and culture) judge men based on money, career, title, etc.... It's part of the female DNA. It's a biological thing. That's why I have never approached a woman and won't be dating again until I am earning in the neighborhood of $50,000.00 a year (the amount of money required for a man to be considered viable in American society). Hope to earn that amount in my 40's... and maybe i'll start a family then. Right now i'm a Grad student who earns roughly half that amount (considered pathetic). But it seems to be more of an issue to some women. This is what I have noticed in my 36 years in this _____ed up world. And I have noticed that the modern Black culture especially (which I don't ascribe to, thankfully) is more identified with this sort of superficial mindset.
The gaping hole.... their emptiness is so vast that you almost miss it if you aren't paying attention. Notice how "Love", "Character" (of the man), "Values", ideas like the value of hard work, you know...things of substance... none of these things get much of a mention .... Hell, some of these items aren't mentioned at all in the entire segment. So in other words... it was what wasn't said.... it was what was missing, that actually spoke the loudest to me about these people. What the ____? I guess I was the only one who noticed.
But it begs the question.... are these women even aware of what a good man is? Are they even aware of the attributes to look for to identify an actual man? So, they dated thugs in their twenties.... and NOW they want an actual man. hmmm. Not the case for all....but certainly the case for many of these ladies. The segment also didn't mention children. I'm willing to bet my right arm that at least some of these women from the segment or from the Washington Post story have children. I personally would not be interested in someone with children...and I wouldn't date anyone who has dated shady men before...in other words...women who are with or have been with thugs (this says a lot about her character...her judgment ....her ability to make good decisions.). And here's another clue for the boneheads among us.... If you are looking for men in nightclubs (actual men)... you might not get very far. Try to find another setting (school, church, hobby group, trusted word of mouth, the coffee shop, the local park/dog park, private function, volunteer group, quality online service, grocery store...and make the first move/go for what you want). I, for one, have never been to any stupid nightclubs. Stop imitating the women from The Real Housewives series! That is not what good, educated men (family men) are looking for. There are a good number of well-to-do men, and playboys who will look for these kinds of women...just for a fling... just for a piece or for a trophy wife (if you live off of your looks.. God help you)...but good, decent family men will see right through you and will either pass you up, or use you for what you are willing to give him, until he can find a women who makes the grade as a potential wife. We don't like the b.s. (especially the nonsense on 'The Real Housewives'). We want to come home to a peaceful household at the end of the day. Home = the castle...even if it's just a modest Apt.
These are the same women who laughed at the nerdy Black boys in school....and teased them for the way they talked (this was the case for me)... meanwhile they chased the jocks, playboys, and gang bangers (yes... thugs, packaged for prison). By High School, I had realized that my preferences were different anyway.
I prefer, Asian, Latina, or White women (can be average looking) w/ degree who are more on the geek side...and have more of a socially conservative view. Someone who shares my values and who understands (and appreciates) the value of hard work...and appreciates the sweat that goes into earning a dollar. Yes...these women may be hard for me (a Black guy) to get largely because of my race...(thanks to the beautiful job that the so-called "Black community" has done in presenting a positive Black male image)...but i'll take my chances. Why put up with that kind of stress...when there is something better elsewhere that may allow me to have lower blood pressure, lol?
Somehow the value of hard work...an honest days work... appreciating the value of a dollar, putting things like Love, Loyalty, Character, Romance, etc....ahead of material & money has been lost in Black Culture over the past 20 years. These concepts used to be important... Go back to the 1950's and 60's... a Black man who worked in a factory...worked at the post office, or served in the military and took care of his family was just as loved and cherished as the Doctor or the business man... at least by his own family. Hell...some of these men were better men....better fathers. They were once the pillars of Black culture. Black women weren't always this way. Don't feed me that bullshit. Coretta Scott didn't marry Dr. King for money.... in fact, he didn't have much in the way of material wealth. There was no way she could have known what was in store..the road that they would travel. Dr. King wasn't even a household name in 1953 when he married Scott (at her parents house). He wasn't even nationally known. And when he died he didn't have a boatload of money. The same goes for many women of that time- there were many Coretta Scott's.
But today you have all sorts of nonsense going on.... $30,000, $40,000, $50,000, and $100,000 weddings...money that could be used for something else. (and if a man can't provide the Platinum wedding and the $500,000 home..he's not good enough).
Too good to talk to the letter carrier? Too good to talk to the Limo driver? Too good to talk to the security officer? Too good to talk to the school teacher? Too good to talk to the utility worker?
Modern Black culture has screwed up the brains of these women.... they want to live the lives of the Black celebs that they see on Television.... like BET (Black Exploitation Television) and the like; a subculture that is just as empty as they are. These are the kinds of women who I would tell to go to Hell (and would enjoy telling them).
I guess i'm more shocked at the idea that these women don't have a clue as to why they are in the situation they are in. Hopefully...one might get a clue from this blog. But would it do any good?.... probably not.
(No the above isn't from my actual commentary....just a preface to the videos. Yes...I wrote more than I wanted to...but my actual post was much longer.)
Paul Brunson
The 49th Car - Rated R. Clearly these women don't know about the 49th Car. They are never taught this as girls, unfortunately.
Examples of the 49th car are abundant... MLK = the 49th Car, Bill Gates = the 49th car, and numerous more moderate examples are around us all the time. I suspect (and hope) that I, The Angry Independent = the 49th car.
This video was done by a youtuber w/ a white wife who constantly has to deal with the backlash. I don't endorse his language.... and I don't agree with some of his points & comments. But his broader point is useful for this post.
49th Car, Part II
Comments from The Black Snob's blog (won't post screen names): All Great Points.
#1). You just hit the nail on the head. I keep talking about how so much of this dialogue goes back to gender roles. There's plenty of men who are out there, looking, and in alot of ways are mirror images of these women in terms of their circumstances. Yet the male gender role says that if a man is out there, he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong, make corrections, and keep trying. The female gender role doesn't really prescribe that sort of introspection and self-critique to the same extent that it does men. So then you get all these women, or at least a portrayal, who are basically just whining and not looking for ANY answers/solutions within.
I hope the culture at large starts to force women to figure out what they may be doing wrong if they find themselves unhappily single (not be confused with women who are singel adn cool with it.) It's been a solid 25 years of this and it got tired sometime around the Very Special Episode of Different Strokes.
#2). Until recently,(I'm ashamed to admit) I was beginning to think that I wasn't attractive enough to get a man. I was beginning to think that I was invisible to single men within my age group and with whom I share an educational background. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
Now I see things in a different light. First, if the women in this video don't have mates then something else must be afoot because they are all beautiful and accomplished.(ding ding ding ding!) Second, I realize that maybe, deep down, I cherish my independence and freedom too much to want to share with anyone. I like who I am with all my quirks and I don't want to change. Why should I? Add to that, relationship people (you're the type who always speak in terms of "we") really annoy me. And married women who feel that the goal in life is to get a man marry them, just are not my type of people.
Now I don't feel bad about turning down the brother in accounts who smokes a pack a day, has bad teeth and 2 kids and 2 baby mamas.
This clip really gives me more to think about
#3). Perspective from a middle class black dude: Something about the women in the clip to me said "you need more people." The one with the green eyes who started off looking for a 6'5" dude is NOT representative of an avg. blk woman looking for a good blk man. She started off looking for a dude in the league and now that that didn't pan out, she's moving down the roster. The cheerleader with the Benz and the excessive extracurriculars also seemed like her lifestyle was very status-based. There was this whole black Sex and the City kind of vibe to the whole thing. Lots of champagne glasses clinking and fabulous designer lifestyles and such, but very little in the way of anything that would make a man more interested in being with any of them day in and day out and raising a family with them.
Besides that, They did this in Atlanta, which is a city whose culture is so flashy and surface-oriented, they should just rename it East Las Vegas.
#4). There are plenty of men looking to be taken care of. That goes for women as well. I am not talking about those people. I am not talking about dead beat men or gold digging women. I am talking about law abiding, socially adjusted men. And the point of the earlier post is to say ambition is relative. When does one get enough? At what point does a person become content. With more possessions and the pursuit of possessions come more headaches. Most men see this. It is not the acquisition of "things" that many men are put off by. It is the trouble you have to go through to gain and maintain them. At some point the means just don't justify the ends anymore.
I know plenty of brothers who choose to drive older model used cars. They could go on any BMW lot and drive off with a new luxury car if they wanted. But when you calculate the cost of the note (or lease payment), the increased insurance, and maintenance (getting it detailed every week, etc.) many just don't think it’s worth it. Is that a lack of ambition? Or is it financial intelligence? What if they have hobbies that are personally fulfilling they would rather put that money toward? Are they losers? What if they want to retire early? It’s kind of hard to do that if you are living at the top of your means for most of your professional life.
I thank God I have a wife that understands that I refuse to kill myself just to have a shiny new car, some overpriced brand name clothes, and the faux lifestyle of the wanna be rich and "successful". I thank God she doesn't think an overpriced handbag is in any way an indicator of personal or professional success. But I got lucky. I found a woman whose values match mine. Matching values and views of success between men and women are becoming more of the expectation now.
Instead of whining.... why not date men of other ethnic groups? I agree that Black men (in many ways) have failed. There may not be enough eligible Black men....(even if these Black women had realistic expectations). So why not date other men? Who says that Black men should be their only choice? That's crazy. One problem could be that men of other ethnic groups see some of the same problems. Hmmm Here, the above youtuber is going over the numbers from the recent online dating survey (which is a pretty revealing report). It examined dating patterns/online behavior and included the race of the participants. But even with that... I still support the idea of Black women broadening their horizons. Although I also understand that there are plenty of women who don't want to get married.
My dating life can be summed up in one word: sad. In fact, I don’t have a dating life. Currently I’m not dating anyone and I haven’t been on a date in several years. Confession: The Angry Independent has never had a girlfriend/relationship, never been kissed, and has never even asked a woman out…and I’m in my mid 30’s. Yes, I know…. Pathetic. I guess that means that I pretty much fall into the category of “loser”. Most men would have already blown their brains out by now. But that’s not an option for me (although some would probably disagree). This is all tied to my racial identity, my tendency to be a homebody, and my lack of resources. I’m also a little picky when it comes to the kinds of women who I would date.
I’m generally not attracted to Black women…physically, mentally or otherwise. I typically don’t have much in common with them. To be honest, I don’t think I could deal with most Black women…and I don’t have any interest in going down that road….although I don’t exclude the possibility of meeting and dating one. There are always exceptions. Excluding anyone based on race alone would be stupid on my part. I’m just emphasizing that if it happens….it would be more by accident than by any mission driven kind of effort. And i'm not saying that there aren't any great Black women out there... there definitely are. But they are few. And for whatever reason, I don't get along as well with Black women. I have written before about some of my interracial dating experiences and some of the issues that drove me in that direction.
And Black women generally aren’t attracted to me because I’ve never been arrested, I can hold down a steady job, won’t abuse them, am considered “nice”, and I hate ebonics. In other words, I don’t fit the image of what a “Black Man” is supposed to be….and I don’t act the way that the image says I am supposed to act. I’m just not considered “sexy” to them. I’m more James Taylor, Sharon Jones, Dave Matthews, Classic Motown, Rock & Jazz than modern R&B and Rap. I guess I don’t fit the mold. For some strange reason, certain women are attracted to violence, B.S., heartache, and irresponsible behavior. If you aren’t a meathead with “protective qualities” (meaning if you aren’t musclebound with tattoos and you haven’t been to prison) then you aren’t seen as authentic --as authentically Black or as a “real“ man -- and you just aren’t considered very attractive in a certain community. Black women are like social masochists in a way. I will never understand it. But it is what it is.
I have a whole series on this blog about the Black female subculture (yes it is distinct) and the kinds of men that they tend to be attracted to. Now of course not all Black women fall into that category… but I would say…from common sense, general observations and anecdotal evidence that at least a small majority between ages 20 & 40 probably fall into that group. Anyone who still doubts this phenomenon is in a serious state of denial.
That’s one side of the coin that I have to face. The other side is that I don’t tend to have it any easier with non-Black women. I tend to be more attracted to non-Black women, but they generally aren’t attracted to me. I typically don’t fit what they are looking for in terms of race and socio-economics. The financial part of that probably has a lot to do with it…. But that is strongly tied to race.
What am I getting at? How does a Black Man date when the options are so limited?
When dealing with non-Black women I often run into the dreaded “white men only” problem. These are primarily White, Asian, Hispanic, & East Indian women…but in a few cases I have encountered this from Black women - those few who I did have an interest in.
Back in the early 2000’s I was brave enough to post a profile on a few online dating services. I would use online services because they were convenient and because I don’t go to places such as nightclubs or bars to find dates. I’ve never set foot in one…and don’t plan to. I hate the nightclub culture. There’s nothing & no one in a nightclub that I want - period!
But what I typically found on the online services is that all the women who I would contact or would signal an interest in would almost uniformly mention in their profiles or would confirm in their responses that they were only interested in white men or that they could not/would not date a Black man. It got so bad that I eventually realized that if I wanted a chance to meet someone… I would have to remove any indication of my race from my profile. But leaving the race category blank only led to more aggravation. It only created a situation where I would waste time emailing someone back and forth (successfully) over a number of days, only to be stabbed in the chest when I would be forced to reveal my race, usually before a date or meeting.
“Oh, by the way… I just want to make sure you know that I’m Black”. “You do know that I’m a Black guy right?”
Typical response:
“Sorry… I don’t date Black guys”.
Or
“You seem nice, but my family would not approve of me dating a Black man. I will have to cancel for tomorrow night. Sorry for the confusion. Good luck in your search.”
Or
“No need to contact me again. I don’t deal with Black guys”.
You get the idea.
This became a constant problem. It became such a pain in the ass that I gave up dating only after one Summer & decided to concentrate on School/work. I didn’t want to deal with all the aggravation involved in the dating game.
And it goes back to why I don’t approach women and never have. It’s primarily because I have never believed that I was good enough to actually prevail and win the hunt so to speak… or to “get the girl” (at least not the women who interest me). “Not good enough” refers to not only being the wrong ethnicity, but it also refers to not having reached a level of socio-economic status that would allow me to compensate. This is why I’m single, have always been single, and will likely die single. Men have to be good at “the chase” and it’s something that I don’t even have the desire to do.
I most often got these responses from Asian women. I don’t know if this was because I interacted with more Asian women online (or don’t think I did) or because racial prejudice was more prevalent in that group….. who knows?
But what’s behind the “White Men Only” phenomenon? Few people are willing to do sociological studies on interracial dating to answer that kind of question because it may be too taboo, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that race tends to be associated with socio-economics.
White, Hispanic, and especially Asian women (and yes a few Black women) see White men as a symbol of money, a symbol of success, and a symbol of stability & financial security (the primary thing that women seek and the way that men are measured by women). In all the important areas….White men seem to be the better choice…. It’s just natural selection in a way. White men are associated with all that’s good. Black men, on the other hand, tend to be associated with all that’s bad. Black men tend to be associated with crime, irresponsibility, a lack of values, sexual aggressiveness, poor education, and as a whole being lower on the socio-economic ladder.
The heart of the story is that my dating options will always be limited. I have always seen my race almost as a disability when it comes to dating…and dating freedom. It’s like a prison for me. Add socio-economics to the mix and I feel even more handicapped by race. It‘s constraining. I always feel like I’m in sort of a racial Purgatory. I don’t feel at home or at peace in Black Culture. In fact, I don’t identify with Black Culture. The Culture annoys me (that’s the nice way of putting it). And I have never felt accepted or welcomed by any other group. I‘ve never been able to “fit in” with any particular Culture or group. I don’t have an attraction to Black women (generally speaking) and they don’t have any attraction to me because I don’t fit their image of “Black Manhood”. And White, Asian, and Hispanic women aren’t interested because I’m not White & I can’t compete with what a White man can provide for them (in terms of money, social status, a trophy, looks, as a family provider, as financial security, etc). There are Asian-American families who consider their daughters to be successful if they meet and marry a White guy (craziness!!!). They may not say that publicly…but that’s the general thinking process for some Asians.
That leaves me socially confined. I’ve always felt like a prisoner in my own skin.
When and if I try dating again in a few years (once my financial fortunes improve) my options are still going to be extremely limited. But then again… we are in the age of Obama and attitudes about race are supposedly changing… so I guess I’ll have to wait and see if there is some sort of improvement. Some people believe that Black is in fashion….I have heard and read comments to that effect. But I don’t really buy into that…and I don’t believe the rise of a political figure could really translate into an improvement in the realm of dating relationships… the level of tolerance needed to accept a Black President is different from the level of tolerance needed to actually bring someone home and have someone in your life who is of a different race. These are two different things.
Black Women And The Race To The Bottom: Will the Fascination With the Bad Boy/Thug Ever Begin to Wane?And How Are Black Celebrity Women Contributing To This Problem?
Does their position as validators, legitimizers and apologists for a destructive culture harm young women (and young men) and drag down the Race? I don’t think there is any question that their role is and has been harmful. The question is…. how harmful has it been and can their influence be curtailed?
There is all sorts of data that suggests that the Rap industry and the Rap culture are problems for "Black America". (1)(2)(3) Even Black youth see it as such. Yet the Black culture, especially its women, continues to embrace it, even though it is a culture that degrades the image of young Black women (and literally dehumanizes Black men to the point where they are seen as animals).
Over the last several years I have noticed the trend of famous Black women…. Women who are role models to thousands, who seem to be attracted to Bad Boys…. Those who represent a negative Black male image. An image that only helps to perpetuate negative stereotypes. What has this done to the Black image as a whole? Black women in particular seem to be afflicted especially hard by this sickness (The Bad Boy disease). I don’t believe that this is a coincidence.
This is a part II of a commentary from back in 2006 entitled "Why Are Women Attracted to Thugs". I think we are now far beyond the question of whether this is a problem. Clearly there is a certain narrow image of the Black male that has been mainstreamed. So I want to raise the questions of how and why it has happened.
The image of the Black Bad Boy “thug” has become enormously popular over the last decade, largely due to the impact of the Black celebrity culture and its acceptance by the larger American celebrity culture. But something else has catapulted this negative Black male image into mainstream acceptance- Black women…or “women of color”. (Can’t forget about those like Jennifer Lopez who blur the lines and straddle two or more worlds at once). But this is a problem instigated especially by Black celebrity women. These celebrities (more than any other group in my opinion) have popularized the “thug” male image, and the “Rap Culture” with its negative & damaging value system.
The vast majority of Black female Pop stars & actresses either currently date Rap stars or have dated them at some point in their careers. It has pretty much become the norm to see Black or minority female stars dating the hot rapper of the moment, or the producers or the so-called “moguls” of the industry (translation- thugs who happen to have the most money in the industry). In fact, it is rare for Black celebrity women not to be with someone who personifies the “thug”. I’d say many of the women do it for the same reasons that Gold diggers seek the financially well-off alpha-male- they see them as a meal ticket perhaps. In the case of celeb women…. These men could represent some sort of boost to their careers. Sometimes, simply for the controversy and publicity created from the public relationship. This is not the case for all…but I suspect that it is the case for some. I have a term for these women.... but I will refrain from using that language here.
But who pays the brunt of the consequences for these celebrity relationships? Certainly the celebrity women themselves don’t carry the weight of all the social problems created by the trends that they set. These women have the money and the means and all the safety nets to avoid the pitfalls that come out of the “thug life”. And actually…I have read that many of the so-called “Bad Boys” are really not as bad as the images that they portray…and they too have the safety nets to avoid the real pitfalls that come from the lifestyle that they promote. So who is paying the price? Ordinary, everyday young Black women (and young men) who end up emulating the thug image personified and perpetuated by their superstar role models (and yes, these people are role models whether we like it or not…that argument is a dead one). Lakisha doesn’t have the safety net. So why in the Hell are Black celebrity women promoting this lifestyle?
The impact of this phenomenon is twofold:
#1. These women help to sanitize & validate this negative Black Male image. They send the message to the rest of the so called “Black Community” (I hate that term because it suggests that Blacks are a monolith…but for the sake of discussion) that this Black male image is harmless, is acceptable and in fact, it should be seen as the ideal. This is why thousands of Black boys from urban communities & beyond, aspire to be rappers, and why young minority women want to embrace the Hip Hop/Rapper thug culture and aspire to be with men who carry this persona, despite the damage that it has done to Black women. That in itself is fascinating to me.
#2. These women help to establish the ideal image of Black men and set the trend for young Black women in the wider community. Black youth, especially young Black women- emulate what they see in the celebrity world. …everything from fashion, makeup, hair, music, and what kind of male is hot or ideal. Black men are almost like a fashion accessory for some women, particularly a certain kind of Black male. This is particularly the case in a Black culture where parenting is lacking and where youth are being raised by the Television and by the Rap culture.
Some may say (usually apologists for the degenerate Black Rap culture) that the “Bad Boy” is also popular in society in general. There are many White women who prefer these men as well. And I will agree with that to a point. Women have been attracted to s---heads since the beginning of time. It’s biological. “Bad Boy” traits are often mistaken for strength, power, & confidence…all markers that women pick up on that suggests a strong male. But women often can’t make the distinction between good examples of male strength & confidence and bad examples of the same. Their hormones cause all kinds of confusion. This is how women go for criminals, drug dealers, playboys, etc. The comment that I often get from women is that these men make good protectors. But these women fail to realize that these men can’t protect them or be good fathers from the grave or a prison cell.
Yes the wider society has this problem but it does not have the same impact on the larger society- particularly on the White society, as it does for “communities of color”. The larger white society has many more positive images of white men & women (white men in particular). There is much more of a balance in terms of images. In contrast, the negative Black male thug image has become the predominant image of Black men, both within so-called Black culture & within the wider society. When people see me walking by (esp. Whites) & they don’t know me…they don’t see Dr. Ben Carson, nor do they see any positive potential I may have. Instead, they see the “Hip Hop” TV image & everything negative that has become associated with the Black male. This is the case even though there is nothing about me that says “Hip Hop”, criminal, thug, etc. I don’t dress Hip Hop, nor do I speak Hip Hop. I have come to despise the Hip Hop /Rap culture, yet, because I’m Black, I cannot escape being associated with it in terms of perception.
(I don't want to read any nonsense about Kim Kardashian being White... i'm well aware of that fact). The fact that these women help to perpetuate, sanitize, & legitimize this image drives me crazy. It seems as though most of the negative stereotypes that harm Blacks today are perpetuated by those of the same ethnic group. Black Hip Hop culture has become a laughing stock nationwide, providing fodder for non-Black Americans who enjoy seeing their racist predispositions reinforced by the images and lifestyles that they see promoted in popular culture (mostly by Blacks.... not whites... there is no need for Blackface minstrel shows today...Black folks have that job covered). Basically these women are helping to perpetuate their own degradation in many cases, and certainly the degradation of the image of Black women as a whole. By bolstering the status of men who symbolize the thug or Bad Boy, these women send the wrong message to their counterparts in the general community.
Now this undercuts the arguments of Black women who complain about the treatment that they get from such men. On one hand, they complain about maltreatment from the thug/Bad Boy community, yet these are the kinds of men who these women (for the most part) seem to pursue time and time again. In the world of glaring contradictions, this one is near the top. Like the Black women who complain about their negative image in the degenerate Hip Hop culture, yet they continue to court men who are steeped in that very same culture, and continue to buy the music that supports the rap entertainers who they are complaining about.
This represents one of the fundamental underlying problems that I have with Black women & women in general. In High School & College I never bothered to pursue the opposite sex. I noticed that the young women around me (particularly Black women) always seemed to go for the jocks, thugs, the troublemakers, the gang members…and the wannabe Rap stars. Any guy who was concerned about actual schoolwork, came to class everyday, took notes, etc.. was most often seen as boring and socially unattractive. That seemed to be the easiest way to ensure that you would be ignored by young Black women in school- carry lots of books. It acted as a repellent to Black women, although I didn’t intend it to be as such. It wasn’t until years later that I got a better understanding of this or realized why it happened. I saw the same pattern in adulthood, only worse. I also came to realize that if I ever wanted a partner, that I may have to look outside of the Race….even though that is something that I don’t necessarily want to do as a purpose driven thing. But it may become necessary. It may be my only option once I start to date seriously (after I reach financial viability… only God knows when that will be). As much as I want to love Black women…. I have too many issues with the culture….so many that I don’t see Black women as the most dateable. It goes back to the issues that I have mentioned… Black women who are racing to the bottom with the kinds of choices they are making, particularly with men….ultimately dragging the Race down the tubes.
This is why I call this phenomenon “The Race To The Bottom”. Women (especially Black women) seem to be making exceptionally poor choices in terms of what kinds of men they seek. And it’s not all women out there. But it is certainly a large portion - I will go out on a limb and say that it is a majority, although it may be a slight majority. Many women, particularly in minority communities, seem to be after the lowest common denominator. The impact is that it is slowly but surely harming the Race. These kinds of bad choices are a main factor, in my view, behind the breakdown of the “Black Family”- lack of fathers in the home, the out-of-wedlock births, low marriage rate, etc.
This situation of men choosing the “Bad Boy” image (because they think this is what women like), and women choosing to be with these men is such a normal practice that it’s as if this is a Right of Passage.
The Hovey Street Murders
A few months ago a horrible mass murder of two young Black women & their babies took place in Indianapolis, Indiana. The incident became known as “The Hovey Street Murders”, and is famous nationwide (Look it up for detailed background or follow the links provided below).
One of the young women was a resident in the home, and the other was simply a visitor, at the wrong place at the wrong time, although I’m sure that she knew what was going on at the home. A group of armed thugs barged into the house through a bedroom window and brutally gunned down the 4 victims in cold blood…as the women begged for their lives and the lives of their babies. The motive? The thugs were hoping to steal money and drugs from the home. The house on Hovey Street was a known drug location. One of the victims resided in the home with her drug dealer boyfriend who was not there at the time. This young lady was apparently aware of what was taking place in the home, and was likely a willing participant in the drug activity along with her boyfriend. (link 6)(link 7)
I felt sick inside after reading about this case. Of course I felt sorry for the victims, especially the children. But I also noticed that there was a lot of misdirected blame taking place…. That only the home invading monsters had a hand in the demise of these 4 victims. I simply wanted to suggest that the blame for these incidents (which play like a broken record in “Black Communities” all across the Country) can’t be laid at one doorstep. I simply wanted to mention that, although they were victims here and didn’t deserve this ending, the young women shared at least some blame for the positions they placed themselves & their children in.
When I raised the issue of choices & personal responsibility on a fellow bloggers site, suggesting that the adult female (I’m purposely leaving names out) who lived in the Hovey Street home bore at least some responsibility for putting her life & her baby’s life in such danger, as well as the lives of her friend and the other child, I was absolutely vilified. Vilified for even making the suggestion that Black women shared any responsibility whatsoever (not for being harmed…but for knowingly putting themselves in such dangerous positions where the risk of harm is high). One of the Black bloggers (a female) stated that “The victim was just doing what she had to do… we shouldn’t blame her for that”….and she was part of a chorus of Black women who dismissed my statement as an attempt to blame the victims and to side with the thug animals who targeted the house- an idea that couldn’t be farther from the truth….anyone who has read my postings long enough knows better. If you’ve read some of my creative suggestions for dealing with criminals, thugs, & rappers…you would probably get the urge to contact the authorities. But I swear…all of these measures would be legal and just (if I were in charge). (Just kidding). But many of the responses were discouraging. But it wasn’t surprising that the attacks came from Black women.
I raised the issue because I hear/read about such tragic stories constantly. It seems as though there is a similar story played out each week, either locally in my hometown (The St. Louis Metro Area) or nationwide. Frankly I’m tired of reading about the same stories over and over again. I knew ahead of time that I would be attacked by Black women for bringing up the issue of choices that women make which place them (and their children) at serious risk. As I have stated, this lifestyle has been so accepted & embraced and has become so much of the “norm”, particularly for Black communities, that it is a Right of Passage- so much so that many young women see nothing wrong with the choices made by the Hovey Street victim who placed herself, her child, and her friends in danger. They (Black women) don’t even recognize and/or refuse to acknowledge that raising a baby in a drug house is even an issue. Half of the young Black women who responded to my comments about choices saw no problem whatsoever with the idea of a young Black woman dating a known drug dealer & raising a baby in that kind of environment. (A Right of Passage).
To most people in the wider non-Black society, such a situation - a baby being raised in a drug house- would be viewed without question as appalling, deplorable & unacceptable. They would balance their rage- expressing empathy for the victims, but also calling into question the choices made by at least one of the women. That’s the normal response to such a tragedy. And this is all I wanted- a balance…an acknowledgement that this was not right. But no. Not according to at least half of the Black women who participated in the discussion. They immediately made excuses for the women….and demonized ALL Black males…as animals. Somehow I allowed myself to be personally offended by that…. Because I get enough of that in the general society….simply for being a Black guy.
According to these women, the young lady from Hovey Street bore little if any responsibility for the increased risk she found herself in. I believe this condition of normalization & acceptance of this kind of lifestyle…the mainstreaming of it, has had a numbing affect on these women. They can’t even recognize that the situation was wrong, that the choices were harmful and they can’t even empathize with the babies on that basis. The women in this case (and similar cases) are seen by Black women as helpless victims, not smart enough to make good choices, as women who should not be expected to be held accountable for anything. First we had the pre-women’s Suffrage era, when women were essentially seen as helpless, unintelligent, dependant on men, and even seen as the private property of men. Then we went through the Suffrage era of the late 1800’s - the 20’s and 30’s when women gained more independence, more legal rights, gained control of their own bodies, and gained the right to vote. Then we went through the Women’s Liberation Movement of the 60’s and 70’s. Then to the empowerment, independence and equality that women worked to establish in the 80’s and 90’s. And now in the 2000’s we are back to Pre-Suffrage times, when women were not responsible for their actions, were helpless, were taken care of by men and couldn’t make their own decisions. At least that is what some people would like us to believe. On one hand, women (especially Black women) want to be seen as strong, independent, smart, and responsible, but on the other hand they want to be seen as helpless damsels who can’t possibly be responsible for the decisions they make. What is really happening here is that these women want it both ways.
What I am getting at is that this issue is like the elephant in the room.
People want to ignore the issue of legitimization and validation of this negative Black male image, and the role that some women are playing it in. People want to gloss over the consequences that this is having on Black youth and on society as a whole. And it’s an image that is just as harmful to Black men as it is to Black women. Black women are helping to create & prop up this negative image…of the kind of man that they claim is harmful to them.
Do you believe that Black Hollywood (particularly its women) are playing a harmful role in encouraging young women to seek the wrong image in a mate? Do they promote the wrong image of Black men? Is this trend harmful to the “Black Family”?
And why are Black women so reluctant to criticize other Black women on this issue? Why are they so reluctant to point out the negative role that some Black women are playing in the deterioration of the Black social condition? This kind of criticism seems almost taboo. Instead, Black women (some, not all) seem to defend & make excuses for certain behaviors of other Black women that are helping to destroy the Race.
I understand that there is a need to love these women as a way of helping them, but you can’t get to the point of helping them when no one wants to point out what the negative behaviors and choices are. Without identifying them, and acknowledging them, the problems cannot be corrected. Black folks are in a serious state of denial on many of these issues.
**********************************
UPDATE:R. Kelly Getting Support from Black Women, Even His Victims.
Child rapist R. Kelly gets support from an unlikely (but somehow not surprising) source- Black Women. It seems that the victim in this case, along with her mother, have been bought out by R. Kelly. The victim now claims that she is not the girl on the tape. Obviously, with all the time that was allowed to elapse between the videotaping and the trial, R. Kelly has been able to influence the victim.
As if that's not bad enough, Kelly has a loyal group of cheerleaders who attend the trial, some being so "supportive" that they disrupt the proceedings. Who are they? Black women. The scene described in the Courtroom literally mimics the Boondocks episode which featured the trial....with mindless Black folks rooting for Kelly.
So now it is o.k. to rape underage Black girls....as long as you are wealthy and you can buy the girls and their mothers? When did Black women (and Black families) begin this practice of literally putting their daughters up for sale?
"The two parties have combined against us to nullify our power by a ‘gentleman's agreement' of non-recognition, no matter how we vote ... May God write us down as asses if ever again we are found putting our trust in either the Republican or the Democratic Parties." -- W.E.B. DuBois (1922)
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