Abstinence In Your 30's - How Late Should You Wait?

And What Do You Tell Your Dating Partners?

While listening to NPR a couple of weeks back I caught an interesting topic on the program ‘Tell Me More’. The segment covered the subject of abstinence and how the panel of 30-somethings were handling life without sex. For the panel (all women) their reasons were of the typical nature - the desire to meet prince charming, be swept off their feet, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Basically it centered around a moral choice. At least one guest also mentioned the desire to explore a professional career before entering a marriage or family situation. I was a bit surprised that there were other people waiting so late.

You see… I always thought that I was an anomaly. And for the most part I still feel that way, but I am not as odd as I thought. I am 39 and abstinent. Have been all my life. The reasons for me? Well, I would like to say that I have some sort of moral standard that has kept me abstinent, like retired NBA Star A.C. Green. But that’s probably not it. While my morals may be a part of the reason, it isn’t the primary reason for my situation. Believe me, if the right opportunity would have presented itself over the last 20+ years, I would have taken it. But it never materialized.

For me, it’s a combination of things that have kept me abstinent. Mainly it has to do with a lack of access. In other words, I pretty much avoid places like nightclubs, and big social events. Even if I engaged in social activities more often it would not make much of a difference. I have never even asked a woman for a phone number or made an approach to request a date in my adult life. I don’t exude the kind of cockiness, or aggressiveness that men often need to have these days.. (the aggressiveness women say they hate but that many of them really like and see as confidence on a subconscious level). I have always been too cool for that. I have never been in favor of putting myself in a position to get shot down. But I think it’s more of a pride thing. The idea of chasing women gives me a headache... it's just not in my blood.

Well, I must be ugly then? Nope… not the case either. I almost wish it were the case, then I would have a better excuse. But I am an average to maybe a little above average looking man. Although I have always hated the way that I look. I have always wished that I looked like a young Robert De Niro, Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. But I’m not a bad looking guy. People would often call me Carlton from the 'Fresh Prince' back when that show was on. But I never thought I looked anything like Alfonso Ribeiro (although I wouldn't mind having his money & his women).

I am slightly socially awkward, but it's not too bad for me. I get stressed in social situations where I am around a lot of people who I don’t know. This stresses me out tremendously. This is why certain social situations that would be enjoyable and relaxing to some people, are draining and stressful…basically like work for me. But I am pretty cool though and can navigate my way through anything. I am able to flip a switch that allows me to work a room and flow pretty much like normal. I could at least find a small group of people and flow just fine with them. So basically, if you saw me in a large social situation (mixer), you probably wouldn’t know that I am stressed out or that it is taxing for me to be there unless I told you. I’m better in one on one situations or with small groups of people who I know.

I believe that the main issue is my lack of income. It always seems to go back to that issue. I have had the misfortune of being stuck in a lot of less than stellar jobs. Since men are often defined & rated by women and by society, based on what they do, my work and income situation has been a confidence killer. In the world of dating and relationships… even sex, money drives everything.

Health has something to do with this too… I have always been scared to death of disease. I am a little picky too. I could probably go to some nightclub (I really really hate bars and nightclubs by the way) and pick up a chick….. But she probably wouldn’t be the kind of woman who I would really want. I wouldn’t want someone who would come home with me from a bar or nightclub. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I am a little old fashioned. But I would rather be in a steady dating situation first… with someone of a certain standard…who is worthy. I would really prefer a long-term situation. That’s the ideal scenario. But it has been fleeting. (Not that I have been looking hard). For the past 15 years I have not been focused on dating… I have been focused on trying to secure the kind of employment and financial future required to attract a mate. That hasn’t worked out exactly as planned either. So now I’m stuck questioning everything that I have been doing. Meanwhile, I see acquaintances (I don’t even want to call them acquaintances) bragging about how good their sex lives are and how many young women are throwing themselves at them. It’s frustrating because these guys aren’t worth a dime… yet the women line up to be with them. Even my acquaintances and relatives on the higher end of the food chain… have no problem in the dating and intimacy department. So I would be lying if I said this situation doesn’t piss me off. Women are typically looking for buttholes for boyfriends... badboys/thugs, "players", or men who are financially well-off. It's harder to meet women & date when you don't fit into any of these boxes.

But being celibate or abstinent has its benefits. I like the peace of mind of not having to worry about STD’s. I like the freedom of not having to worry about dating anyone right now… I hate the whole dating ritual. Trying to impress someone and watching every little move I make is taxing work.

But then again… I would eventually like a family at some point. Family has its perks and benefits too. When (if) I do reach a point where I can date again (depends on money and job situation…unfortunately this is what it’s all about)… I am not sure what to tell my date. Do I mention the V word? Or do I make up some elaborate story about the women I have been intimate with?

Eligible, Black, Male, and Hopelessly Single - Are Women to Blame or is This a Societal Issue?

As a man, I’d feel a certain way if I had a girlfriend but I wasn’t able to take care of her. Nothing special, but you’d like to be able to at least go the movies every weekend and buy her nice things. Yeah, I’m in school now and working towards something. but I’ve actually stopped dating a woman I was interested in because I wasn’t where I needed to be financially. It’s a pride thing.

The quote above is from a great article over at the Good Men Project webpage, entitled Eligible, Black, Male, and Hopelessly Single. This is a great read… so much truth in this article.

I can relate to many of the comments in the article, especially the one above. The exact same epiphany occurred to me several years ago. I stopped dating a young lady (cute Mexican accounting student in her mid 20’s), because I could not court her the way that I wanted to. The relationship was probably not going to go anywhere anyway, but I called it quits early. My obstacles, or what I saw as obstacles, always came down to a lack of money & resources. That was 8 years ago & I haven’t dated since. I don’t see myself as good enough (not for the women I find interesting).

I decided that I had to work on building myself professionally/financially if I was going to date seriously, and be successful. Yes, my pride played a big role in that decision and is a big reason why I don't date today.

But I’m torn about that way of thinking. On one hand, I think dating should be about compatibility, shared values/interests, and the connection between two people. It should not be all about the superficial - the status chasing, the big job, nice car, expensive condo, etc. However, on the other hand, I recognize (& hate) the fact that the real world of dating has a system of rules set up, rules mostly established by women, that forces me to play that game (the superficial game) whether I want to or not.

It’s just interesting to see money as being not only the reason people are divorcing, but now it also seems to be a big reason why singles have a hard time meeting and connecting in the first place. Also interesting to see that my experiences are not unique. I want to say women are to blame for this… but it comes down to society and a pop culture that has warped the minds of Generation X (My Generation) and Generation Y even more. People (women in particular) are watching too much TV. Men are expected to be well-to-do from the first date. There is no building anything together anymore. Today, women consider the man who isn’t fully established monetarily as a loser…. And they move on to the next one, and the next, until they find the attorney, the Barack Obama, the CEO, the Banker, the doctor, the entertainer, or professional athlete that they want. Women aren’t even looking for personality and character anymore… things about the inner core of the man himself… those items are secondary to her. Today, women are searching for titles…status, money…. It’s all about what you do for a living. Whatever it is that you do either has to be raking in cash…or has to have the potential to do so.

When you are a Black man almost exclusively interested in interracial dating, like myself, the problem doesn’t go away.

The article is a great read… the comments section is also very interesting.

Perhaps I Should Look For An A-Hole Training Academy

(Someone could probably make a lot of money by starting an a**hole finishing school). Apparently I was raised wrong. I feel as if I have to be deprogrammed. I was raised to be an actual man (something that is quickly going out of style). My blueprint was an actual man. But that kind of man isn't celebrated much anymore.

I'm not actually going to change into an a**hole, because the woman who wants that isn't the type of woman I prefer in the first place. I haven't dated in years (despise the dating scene) but back when I did date briefly... I was able to see this phenomenon first hand. It came in the form of a Mexican woman who was used to being treated poorly...and didn't understand anything I was doing (it was unusual and unfamiliar to her). She was 24 & I was 30 at the time... not sure if age played a part. Instead of enjoying the time... she couldn't help mentioning the a**hole that she dated before. I ended up leaving her alone. I have a feeling that she went back to the a**hole.

Rated R

White Men Only

My dating life can be summed up in one word: sad. In fact, I don’t have a dating life. Currently I’m not dating anyone and I haven’t been on a date in several years. Confession: The Angry Independent has never had a girlfriend/relationship, never been kissed, and has never even asked a woman out…and I’m in my mid 30’s. Yes, I know…. Pathetic. I guess that means that I pretty much fall into the category of “loser”. Most men would have already blown their brains out by now. But that’s not an option for me (although some would probably disagree). This is all tied to my racial identity, my tendency to be a homebody, and my lack of resources. I’m also a little picky when it comes to the kinds of women who I would date.

I’m generally not attracted to Black women…physically, mentally or otherwise. I typically don’t have much in common with them. To be honest, I don’t think I could deal with most Black women…and I don’t have any interest in going down that road….although I don’t exclude the possibility of meeting and dating one. There are always exceptions. Excluding anyone based on race alone would be stupid on my part. I’m just emphasizing that if it happens….it would be more by accident than by any mission driven kind of effort. And i'm not saying that there aren't any great Black women out there... there definitely are. But they are few. And for whatever reason, I don't get along as well with Black women. I have written before about some of my interracial dating experiences and some of the issues that drove me in that direction.

And Black women generally aren’t attracted to me because I’ve never been arrested, I can hold down a steady job, won’t abuse them, am considered “nice”, and I hate ebonics. In other words, I don’t fit the image of what a “Black Man” is supposed to be….and I don’t act the way that the image says I am supposed to act. I’m just not considered “sexy” to them. I’m more James Taylor, Sharon Jones, Dave Matthews, Classic Motown, Rock & Jazz than modern R&B and Rap. I guess I don’t fit the mold. For some strange reason, certain women are attracted to violence, B.S., heartache, and irresponsible behavior. If you aren’t a meathead with “protective qualities” (meaning if you aren’t musclebound with tattoos and you haven’t been to prison) then you aren’t seen as authentic --as authentically Black or as a “real“ man -- and you just aren’t considered very attractive in a certain community. Black women are like social masochists in a way. I will never understand it. But it is what it is.

I have a whole series on this blog about the Black female subculture (yes it is distinct) and the kinds of men that they tend to be attracted to. Now of course not all Black women fall into that category… but I would say…from common sense, general observations and anecdotal evidence that at least a small majority between ages 20 & 40 probably fall into that group. Anyone who still doubts this phenomenon is in a serious state of denial.

That’s one side of the coin that I have to face. The other side is that I don’t tend to have it any easier with non-Black women. I tend to be more attracted to non-Black women, but they generally aren’t attracted to me. I typically don’t fit what they are looking for in terms of race and socio-economics. The financial part of that probably has a lot to do with it…. But that is strongly tied to race.

What am I getting at? How does a Black Man date when the options are so limited?

When dealing with non-Black women I often run into the dreaded “white men only” problem. These are primarily White, Asian, Hispanic, & East Indian women…but in a few cases I have encountered this from Black women - those few who I did have an interest in.

Back in the early 2000’s I was brave enough to post a profile on a few online dating services. I would use online services because they were convenient and because I don’t go to places such as nightclubs or bars to find dates. I’ve never set foot in one…and don’t plan to. I hate the nightclub culture. There’s nothing & no one in a nightclub that I want - period!

But what I typically found on the online services is that all the women who I would contact or would signal an interest in would almost uniformly mention in their profiles or would confirm in their responses that they were only interested in white men or that they could not/would not date a Black man. It got so bad that I eventually realized that if I wanted a chance to meet someone… I would have to remove any indication of my race from my profile. But leaving the race category blank only led to more aggravation. It only created a situation where I would waste time emailing someone back and forth (successfully) over a number of days, only to be stabbed in the chest when I would be forced to reveal my race, usually before a date or meeting.

“Oh, by the way… I just want to make sure you know that I’m Black”. “You do know that I’m a Black guy right?”

Typical response:

“Sorry… I don’t date Black guys”.

Or

“You seem nice, but my family would not approve of me dating a Black man. I will have to cancel for tomorrow night. Sorry for the confusion. Good luck in your search.”

Or

“No need to contact me again. I don’t deal with Black guys”.


You get the idea.

This became a constant problem. It became such a pain in the ass that I gave up dating only after one Summer & decided to concentrate on School/work. I didn’t want to deal with all the aggravation involved in the dating game.

And it goes back to why I don’t approach women and never have. It’s primarily because I have never believed that I was good enough to actually prevail and win the hunt so to speak… or to “get the girl” (at least not the women who interest me). “Not good enough” refers to not only being the wrong ethnicity, but it also refers to not having reached a level of socio-economic status that would allow me to compensate. This is why I’m single, have always been single, and will likely die single. Men have to be good at “the chase” and it’s something that I don’t even have the desire to do.

I most often got these responses from Asian women. I don’t know if this was because I interacted with more Asian women online (or don’t think I did) or because racial prejudice was more prevalent in that group….. who knows?

But what’s behind the “White Men Only” phenomenon? Few people are willing to do sociological studies on interracial dating to answer that kind of question because it may be too taboo, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that race tends to be associated with socio-economics.

White, Hispanic, and especially Asian women (and yes a few Black women) see White men as a symbol of money, a symbol of success, and a symbol of stability & financial security (the primary thing that women seek and the way that men are measured by women). In all the important areas….White men seem to be the better choice…. It’s just natural selection in a way. White men are associated with all that’s good.
Black men, on the other hand, tend to be associated with all that’s bad. Black men tend to be associated with crime, irresponsibility, a lack of values, sexual aggressiveness, poor education, and as a whole being lower on the socio-economic ladder.

The heart of the story is that my dating options will always be limited. I have always seen my race almost as a disability when it comes to dating…and dating freedom. It’s like a prison for me. Add socio-economics to the mix and I feel even more handicapped by race. It‘s constraining. I always feel like I’m in sort of a racial Purgatory. I don’t feel at home or at peace in Black Culture. In fact, I don’t identify with Black Culture. The Culture annoys me (that’s the nice way of putting it). And I have never felt accepted or welcomed by any other group. I‘ve never been able to “fit in” with any particular Culture or group. I don’t have an attraction to Black women (generally speaking) and they don’t have any attraction to me because I don’t fit their image of “Black Manhood”. And White, Asian, and Hispanic women aren’t interested because I’m not White & I can’t compete with what a White man can provide for them (in terms of money, social status, a trophy, looks, as a family provider, as financial security, etc). There are Asian-American families who consider their daughters to be successful if they meet and marry a White guy (craziness!!!). They may not say that publicly…but that’s the general thinking process for some Asians.

That leaves me socially confined. I’ve always felt like a prisoner in my own skin.

When and if I try dating again in a few years (once my financial fortunes improve) my options are still going to be extremely limited. But then again… we are in the age of Obama and attitudes about race are supposedly changing… so I guess I’ll have to wait and see if there is some sort of improvement. Some people believe that Black is in fashion….I have heard and read comments to that effect. But I don’t really buy into that…and I don’t believe the rise of a political figure could really translate into an improvement in the realm of dating relationships… the level of tolerance needed to accept a Black President is different from the level of tolerance needed to actually bring someone home and have someone in your life who is of a different race. These are two different things.