Monday, September 09, 2013

Racism in Online Dating: The New Jim Crow?


I pulled the profile shot above from a popular online dating site. This is the kind of nonsense that I have to deal with as a Black guy.

Now I wasn't interested in the person above, however, her sentiment is shared by 95% of non-Black women on the online dating sites. This individual was just bold enough to come out and say it. Most won't express it. They just do it passively by not contacting Black men or not responding. 

My attempts to date interracially have mostly failed.... have been able to do it a few times in my life... but for the most part I fail 90% of the time. Economics plays a huge role in that. Why would a non-Black woman want to date a guy like me (Black, a public worker-- so not earning very much money-- only slightly above avg looking...but told he's handsome, 40--- so Black and Old... ) when she can have a great White, Asian, Indian, or Hispanic guy...with more money, nice toys (cars, etc), and she can avoid all of the staring and ugly comments...and the backlash and embarrassment from friends and family? No one wants to be ashamed or embarrassed to bring a guy around friends & family. And perhaps most important to her... her babies won't be tainted... they won't have tainted skin (unfortunately there are people who think this way).

It is especially bad with Asian women. PBS and Independent Lens, recently took a look at this subject (See Video).  or see embed below:


The white male is synonymous with money and success. He doesn't even have to have much money or success... just having a white guy is a status symbol. (White men have it pretty good when it comes to the dating scene. I would be lying if I said I didn't envy that somewhat).

But there is a problem with the success angle (which could be a legitimate preference, although in my opinion it makes the women look completely shallow)... the problem is.... even when you take a black guys profile and correct for education (add a college education), and add a middle class income, and show that the guy is decent looking...and has a wide variety of interests, he will still face discrimination for being Black.

Well Brian, why don't you date Black women? I am open to dating women from all ethnic, and cultural backgrounds. But the fact is, I don't usually fit what Black women tend to look for. The interests and tastes of Black women tend to be different from my own...about 90% of the time. For example... I don't care much for rap music... I don't like to go to nightclubs, entertainment venues, or social gatherings that they may go to, and I would love to send Jay Z and Beyonce to Alcatraz...so that I never have to hear anything about them again. I think that's a good reason to reopen that prison. Throw most of the other rappers in there too. That would make me so happy. I just don't tend to get along with Black women (generally speaking). I find that Black women tend to want to reverse some of the traditional roles. They want to dominate the household and/or the relationship...and are extremely demanding. They have a hard time discerning what a good man is. Many don't seem to realize that they can be strong and proud while also being softspoken & kindhearted. They don't have to become men. But there are exceptions. There are Black women who make my mouth water... But strangely enough... I have found that a lot of the Black women who have even slightly caught my interest.....tend to prefer white guys. So I am always left at square one.

I dated one mixed race girl... who identified as Black (10 years ago). It never went past the first date. She thought it was strange that I paid for everything... opened doors and offered her a flower. (that is what she told me). She stated that she was not used to being treated like that.... so I guess being a gentleman scared her off. I haven't been on a date since that year (2003). There is this thing in the Black Community (God I hate that term)... an unwritten code that says if you are a gentleman.... you are soft...and well... you must be a punk. This is ingrained in the minds of most Black women. The old school gentleman of color is out of style and has been for quite some time (men like my father... my uncle on my mothers side... men who were men). Black women today (particularly those 21-35 give or take a few years) are trained to look for different traits and characteristics when determining what the ideal guy is. It has completely changed. Now a guy has to be over 6ft tall.... has to have tattoos, has to have this thing they call "swag" (just typing that was painful... completely hate the term)... and he has to be at least rough around the edges...and a criminal record won't hurt either. That is like a badge of honor...and women reward these men accordingly... these men literally get more offers for intimacy than they can handle. Again... not that I would be interested in those women.... but it irks me to see that. Then again... some of these women could be considered top tier... I have known, read about...seen plenty of good looking women of color... educated, etc... who still prefer a guy who fits a certain image. They want a 50 cent or Tupac clone.... or 50 cent or Tupac-lite.... for some, just 20 or 30% thug is enough to satisfy their twisted fantasies or their biological urges...and yes... biology plays a huge role in selection. A recent study concluded that women are basically tricked by biology into picking the wrong men....even when they know he's the wrong one... their sub-conscience (driven by hormones) drives them to make stupid choices. This would explain why women end up with the same types of men almost every time. But it's not just poor women w/ low education making these choices or who have these stupid dealbreakers.  

Needless to say... since I don't fit that image (the idiotic, aggressive, obnoxious rapper) I am not on radar screens of most Black women. Of course there are also the Black women who have the shallow physical standards -- as mentioned before the 6ft rule is a common one...often a dealbreaker. I stand about 5'6 or 5'7...so I am considered too short. But there is also income. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 50k-60k is often the absolute minimum you can earn to afford her. Some want the rapper clones...while others want the rich Black doctor or attorney.

Either way... it leaves me with interracial dating where the options are extremely few and far between. That's why i'm 40 and single. Being in St. Louis makes matters worse, because this is one of the most segregated metro areas in the U.S. (backed up by several reports/studies). Even the BBC recently did a story on segregation in present day St. Louis. This is one reason why I really hate St. Louis. I would, in all likelihood, have more success in a State like Texas (one of my adopted home States). I loved Texas for the few years I lived there growing up. Even back then (early 1990's) it seemed more socially progressive. I witnessed racism...but there were a lot of mixed race couples in my High School. Florida (another adopted home State) is far more diverse than the Midwest... especially Missouri. Even growing up in Kansas showed me a lot about different cultures, diversity, etc. That's where I had my first kiss.... (nope, she wasn't a Black girl).. And my first crush (a majestic, gorgeous Mexican girl for which I have seen no match to this day... she may have raised the bar too high). But Kansas...being in the Midwest...was perhaps an anomaly. Maybe it was just the community (a mixed race school and community may have altered my perception). But I am better off for having lived there during some crucial years growing up.

The racism in dating indeed seems to vary in terms of degree of ugliness depending on what part of the country you are in.

I am just hoping at some point, before I get too old, I can meet "the one". But I have already prepared myself for the likelihood that I will die alone. Have even started estate planning with that in mind. This stuff doesn't hit you until you start your estate planning. If you are in my situation and you are single... it will hit you like a ton of bricks.

23 comments:

rikyrah said...

You should be happy that she was honest. You don't need anyone who doesn't want you.

I'm just gonna say this...I don't believe no Black woman signing up for a decent online site is looking for a ' thug'.

You've been telling that ' Black women want thug' story for way too long, man. Way too long.

Now, if you wanna say that women are too materialistic, well, I can't disagree with you there. But, as the Tyler Perry play and movie says..

" I can do broke all by myself"

I still think you need to leave Missouri. Maybe you better leave the state. ..have you thought about Vermont?

Anonymous said...

Black women have higher educational attainment and so many black men are in prison, that I don't there is a shortage of good ones.

John Nwagwu said...

I agree with you about a lot of things you said, I'm Nigerian so I don't connect with black women because they expect me to be like other black guys but I wasn't raised to be like that, meanwhile my options outside my race are limited because very few people are actually open to interracial dating. I see all women as potentially attractive regardless of race, idk how one couldn't feel that way.

Anonymous said...

I live in los Angeles which is very diverse. However, a black man is just as likely to find the same racial discrimination as you'll find in st. Louis.

Anonymous said...

I hate this crap, I'm a black male who lives in FL and half the profiles say the same thing. I wonder what stereotypes are pervading their ignorant minds.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could find a nice man my age. Don't care what color he is, as long as he's not a jerk.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I work on Wall Street and make six figures, yet I have less success with women than my white friend who earns minmium wage part time and live at home with his mother. I've found things to be easier in other countries, i.e. France and Switzerland

Green Girl said...

Except for wh*res, White women prefer their own kind. It's only natural and right to only want to be with your own race. The blogger should realize that God designed ONLY Black women to be for Black men. All but the most stupid know that the tab and slot are color-coded. You don't connect the red wire to the black one, as that only shorts things out.

I can't walk the streets to run errands without Black men who are too stupid to know that White women are off-limits demanding to speak with me or date me, when men of my race are smart enough to see how I am presenting and know I'm not into men nor looking for sex. It is the sk*nks of my race who make Black men expect to be with me.

I believe ALL sex outside of marriage and one's own race is immoral. As a White woman, I have no respect for White women who act like wh*res, degrade themselves, and betray their own people by dating outside their race. When White women are so perverted as that, God nearly always removes his cloak of protection from them. Ask Nicole Simpson or the White woman set on fire the other week. Both tragedies were God's punishment for being immoral race traitors. And my town has a rampant STD rate, mainly because of perverts who can't keep to their own race, or who demand to abuse and use up OUR women that God created especially for OUR men.

A couple months back, I was minding my own business when a Black man came to my door for no reason, demanding sex. I'm a true Christian, so that means I'll never have sex before marriage or outside of my own race, no matter what. White men never have abused me that way by demanding that of me. When I tell them I am saving myself for marriage, they respect that, but Black men don't. The idiot couldn't get it that I oppose ALL interracial and premarital sex as every True Christian female does. He even attacked my gender. I explained I was a Christian woman with traditional morals and that I was either saving myself for the ONE White Christian man with intellect and class that God had for me, or expecting to live alone forever and call all my own shots and do things for myself, and with the luxury and privilege of NEVER being helped unless I ask. Then he said, "I thought you were a woman." He even tried to attack my mental health and saying I need help. Why? Because I'm true ONLY to my own people and my traditional morals I will keep forever? Those who are unstable are those who have no morals and no inner sense of security, ethnic pride, nor sense of self. Being susceptible to peer pressure is a type of insanity, while secure people fight for what they believe in and resist.

I don't get what's with Black men, why they demand to have White trophies to use and abuse as ways to rub in their presumed and wrongly assumed superiority and use as status over their peers in their defective culture. If they were truly superior, they'd act passive, not be sports-obsessed, never dominate, have NO capacity for initiating violence, be rich by socially acceptable means (not drugs, gambling, robbery, scams nor pimping), and regard women as EQUALS. Inferior people are macho, violent, sexist, homophobic, competitive, and aggressive, and I don't want any of the stench of that kind of "masculinity" anywhere around me. Before a BM steps to me, he'd better by intelligent, rich, White-acting, have a college degree, and be in a worthwhile, respected perfection, and he must be a Christian and a virgin. Anyone who loses their virginity before marriage is damaged goods and unfit for marriage. The problem is nor racism, but Black people choosing an inferior culture and being too stubborn to give it up.

Every person would do good to use virtual segregation and learn to prefer their own kind and only get close to them, all while obeying all laws regarding public accommodations, workplaces, housing, education, etc. People of all races should be allowed places just for them.

Green Girl said...

If Black men had the brains to know that ALL White women are off-limits and saw us as irrelevant and part of a separate culture, we wouldn't have to put such things in our profiles. We like our culture, our values, and our way of doing things as they are.

Most White people want passive friends. The world is hard, but we want friends who are easy to get along with and who are not bossy or nosy. Life has enough growing experiences and we don't want the people in our lives to challenge us. We want those who can relax with, without machismo, competition, bantering, constant sex, etc. Excessive sex is what people who have no lives want, since they have nothing else going for them.

If more BM acted like WM in every way, and worked on destroying their excessive "masculinity," more White women would want them. They need to get rid of game, swagger, competition, dominance, hypersexuality, forced help on others, nosiness, and bossiness and learn to act like human beings for a change.

Green Girl said...

What a lot of Black men consider "being a gentleman," is not even what White women want. I want full autonomy and the right to control everything that directly impacts me. I want the freedom to open my own doors, change my own tires, pick up what I dropped, without others noticing or trying to force help on me, but letting me do things for myself, my own way.

As with most White women, I have some feminist views, and I only want to be around those who act as equals around me. Aggression and initiative turn me off, and the men who are so rude or arrogant as to approach me are the ones I want the least.

I get sick of Black men who assume White women are all easy, and I can't understand the ones who cannot understand that we want men of our own race, our own age group, and in our own or higher social class. While I'm not materialistic (most WP are less materialistic than poor BP), if I were looking for a man, I'd want one with class, position, and who can actually take care of me financially.

It is because so many BM who either act like thugs or act condescending and overly helpful, rather than let me do for me and do things my own way and butting out, that I don't want to be around any. And most are oversexed and demand that a woman put out on the first date.

Green Girl said...

Please tell me why Black folks are more nosy, more bossy, and more likely to force help on others. I am an adult, I keep to my own self, I've very intelligent, and I have NO sexual interest at all. I simply want the freedom to be myself in public, do things my own way in public, not be accountable to others, and to never be helped with anything unless I ask.

Black men are more likely to tell me I dropped things than to trust that I have the brains to notice. They are more likely to try to tell men how to do something when I already know and merely mentioned as small talk. As I ride my bike, I expect to be treated the SAME as any other driver and ignored beyond what risk I might pose. When I am on the sidewalk, I expect to get to wait on the car that is blocking me to finish their turn, not back up nor demand that I go. Most White people ignore me and let me decide when I want or go last.

In one example, I was on a main back street and a car approached the intersection. I could see that far enough in advance to slow down for them to give them plenty of time to complete their turn without them demanding that I go, and so it would be timed to where I'd be after them. I also planned it that way to help prevent any interactions. I'm there ONLY to travel, not look for partners nor socialize. And the driver waited, and waited, and then demanded that I go on. It was hard to argue with him and explain that my goal was to go last and that I slowed down to give more than enough time to clear the intersection before I got there, and that the more he tried to force help on me or forcibly try to interact with me, the more of my time he was waiting. My goal was to go last, and I wasn't going to let some fool outside of my race interfere with my plans. I saw him and slowed down to give him time, and ANY White driver would have appreciated that and hurried up and took the turn.

Why are most Black drivers to stupid to ignore cyclists and to make NO adjustments for us beyond what is required by law and to insure immediate safety? Stop acting like you are better than us and have some stupid right to baby us. Why should I have to reach over my head, cross my arms, etc? If you see I'm not responding, go on. Don't do stupid sh*t like back up the car or start trying to wave me on like you think you own me.

We don't want you to act like "gentlemen" nor like thugs, but to coexist as equals and let us do for ourselves and do things our own ways. Don't assume every time we want to cross a street that we are too stupid to decide when it is best for us or think we must get permission from you.

Anonymous said...

Stopped reading when you started blaming music, and claiming black women want a thug.

Fucking coon.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Julie Amy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GLEN COCO said...

I think youre talking out of you ass.. Just be honest you just want to sat white girls

GLEN COCO said...

this article is horrible!! you could do whatever you want! but why are you stereotyping black women at the same time?.. One of the stupidest thing I ever read

GLEN COCO said...

this article is horrible!! you could do whatever you want! but why are you stereotyping black women at the same time?.. One of the stupidest thing I ever read

Anonymous said...

Green Girl..... I think you have issues

Windy said...


"Well Brian, why don't you date Black women? I am open to dating women from all ethnic, and cultural backgrounds. But the fact is, I don't usually fit what Black women tend to look for. The interests and tastes of Black women tend to be different from my own...about 90% of the time. For example... I don't care much for rap music... I don't like to go to nightclubs, entertainment venues, or social gatherings that they may go to, and I would love to send Jay Z and Beyonce to Alcatraz...so that I never have to hear anything about them again."

-With this attitude, no wonder you have these troubles. Nothing but stereotypes about Black women, you say you have nothing in common with Black women, yet get your feelings hurt when non-balck women shun you without even a second thought just for being Black. I think that you're a stereotypical, internalized racist. Your reasons for not dating Black women have nothing to do with Black women, you just want to be accepted by white/as close to white women as possible, period.


"But strangely enough... I have found that a lot of the Black women who have even slightly caught my interest.....tend to prefer white guys. So I am always left at square one."

-@ this comment, YES many many Black women are starting to get fed up with [some] Black men. Largely because of the demeaning and stereotypical attitudes toward Black women as exhibited by the author of this blog post.

Go on and continue running after white/non-black women who really don't care for you. More and More Black women are opening their eyes and going with men who respect them, white, asian, hispanic or black and they're not looking back.

Me personally, I don't hold Black men in any special esteem, I used to out of loyalty, but have since moved on. Now, I only pay attention to men who respect me, they might be white, might be hispanic, might be Black.

Windy said...

Once Black women leave, statistically we're far less likely to come back by the way. Black men/white women on the other hand...can't say the same.

http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/open-forum-okay-know-white-men-married-black-women-44-less-likely-divorce/