Mixed-Race Marriages in Mississippi

I have a small quote in this NY Times article. That is the insignificant part. The bigger question is, how important do you think this story is? What does is it say about Mississippi that it's not until 2011 that a reporter can do a story about this topic in a (mostly) positive light?

Even better, I've only received one racist/hate email. After posting this, though, I might get more. I have not and will not respond to the emailer:

Look Marvin

I am sure you are a good person, who is intelligent as evidenced by your PHd; but I just wanted to let you know that your marriage to a white woman is wrong in some ways.

Firstly, say you have kids - those kids will likely have identity issues their whole lives - not really being able to subscribe to 'being black' or 'being white'. Do you really want that?

And secondly - why couldn't you just marry a nice black girl? I mean are you ashamed of yourself, to the point that you thought that you would try and mix your genes so that your kids would have to be a black man/woman?

I'm a mild mannered, sensible person; but there's something about seeing a black man and white woman which is so wrong.

I could be wrong and I hope you can respond.

Cheers

Author Heidi Durrow Talks Race and Identity On NPR

Hear an interview with Heidi Durrow from NPR's All Things Considered. She was discussing her book The Girl Who Fell From The Sky, winner of the Bellwether Prize for Fiction. It's a story about human tragedy and the struggles related to race and racial identity (something that I wrestle with and can therefore relate to). Durrow creatively uses fiction to address serious social issues. She was able to highlight & challenge false ideas about what it means to be Black and what it means to be White in American society, even though the point of the story was to paint a picture of life for a mixed girl.
She doesn't accept the label of Tragic Mulatto for this story because it has so much more to say than that. In fact, it could be seen as the opposite of the Tragic Mulatto, because in the end..... well.. to find out what happens you will have to buy the book.

The book has subtle (maybe not so subtle) reflections of Durrow's own life interwoven throughout the plot, although she once vehemently stated that it's not really about her. However, if you have been listening to Durrow over the years (via her radio program) or have been following her blogs, you can pick up the similarities.

Reviews and Commentaries on the book:

Abagond Blog

Blogcritics

Washington Post

Miami Herald

Christian Science Monitor

Book Named a Top 10 Debut Release for 2010 by Publishers Weekly.

“[An] insightful family saga of the toxicity of racism and the forging of the self . . . Durrow brings piercing authenticity to this provocative tale, winner of the Bellwether Prize for Fiction.”
—Booklist [starred review]

“[A] breathless telling of a tale we’ve never heard before. Haunting and lovely, pitch-perfect.”
—Barbara Kingsolver, author and founder of the Bellwether Prize

“The Girl Who Fell from the Sky can actually fly ... Its energy comes from its vividly realized characters, from how they perceive one another. Durrow has a terrific ear for dialogue, an ability to summon a wealth of hopes and fears in a single line.”
—New York Times Book Review

“Rachel’s voice resonated . . . in much the same way as did that of the young protagonist of The House on Mango Street. There’s an achingly honest quality to it; both wise and naive.”
—Shannon Rhodes, NPR

“Echoes of the early Toni Morrison, resonances with Langston Hughes. . . . A stunning debut.”
—George Hutchinson, author of In Search of Nella Larson

“That rare thing: a post-postmodern novel with heart that weaves a circle of stories about race and self-discovery into a tense and sometimes terrifying whole.”
—Ms. Magazine

“Taut prose, a controversial conclusion and the thoughtful reflection on racism and racial identity resonate . . . as the story succeeds as both a modern coming-of-age and relevant social commentary. ”
-Publishers Weekly

You can read more about Heidi Durrow and the book by visiting one of her many blogs or websites. Her main websites are HeidiDurrow.com, and Lightskinnededgirl.typepad.com. You can also find her on a weekly internet radio program called Mixed Chicks Chat (see links on our sidebar).

Why Do Black Women Do This?

Van Jones is attacked (by Black women) because of his choice in a partner. There seemed to be no issue with Jones (not with many minorities) until this came to light.

But it doesn't surprise me.... in fact, it would be a surprise if he weren't attacked for this. That's what you can always expect from the so-called "Black Community"... I expect nothing less.

But somehow Black women can't see the forest for the trees... they can't see how unattractive this makes them look. They don't get it.

You would think that the fact that so many are single would lead them to some sort of self reflection.... but nope.... they continue the path down the same rat hole at an even faster pace. Despite their marriage rates being at the bottom, there is no change in their line of thinking whatsoever. They never see the possibility that perhaps they could change how they see the World or that they could change how they do things.... No. It's never about them. The problems are always with someone else. Of course, this thought process leads to a situation where there is seldom any self reflection, improvement/correction, etc...and the cycle never stops.

I try to avoid this particular topic...but this was annoying.

White Men Only

My dating life can be summed up in one word: sad. In fact, I don’t have a dating life. Currently I’m not dating anyone and I haven’t been on a date in several years. Confession: The Angry Independent has never had a girlfriend/relationship, never been kissed, and has never even asked a woman out…and I’m in my mid 30’s. Yes, I know…. Pathetic. I guess that means that I pretty much fall into the category of “loser”. Most men would have already blown their brains out by now. But that’s not an option for me (although some would probably disagree). This is all tied to my racial identity, my tendency to be a homebody, and my lack of resources. I’m also a little picky when it comes to the kinds of women who I would date.

I’m generally not attracted to Black women…physically, mentally or otherwise. I typically don’t have much in common with them. To be honest, I don’t think I could deal with most Black women…and I don’t have any interest in going down that road….although I don’t exclude the possibility of meeting and dating one. There are always exceptions. Excluding anyone based on race alone would be stupid on my part. I’m just emphasizing that if it happens….it would be more by accident than by any mission driven kind of effort. And i'm not saying that there aren't any great Black women out there... there definitely are. But they are few. And for whatever reason, I don't get along as well with Black women. I have written before about some of my interracial dating experiences and some of the issues that drove me in that direction.

And Black women generally aren’t attracted to me because I’ve never been arrested, I can hold down a steady job, won’t abuse them, am considered “nice”, and I hate ebonics. In other words, I don’t fit the image of what a “Black Man” is supposed to be….and I don’t act the way that the image says I am supposed to act. I’m just not considered “sexy” to them. I’m more James Taylor, Sharon Jones, Dave Matthews, Classic Motown, Rock & Jazz than modern R&B and Rap. I guess I don’t fit the mold. For some strange reason, certain women are attracted to violence, B.S., heartache, and irresponsible behavior. If you aren’t a meathead with “protective qualities” (meaning if you aren’t musclebound with tattoos and you haven’t been to prison) then you aren’t seen as authentic --as authentically Black or as a “real“ man -- and you just aren’t considered very attractive in a certain community. Black women are like social masochists in a way. I will never understand it. But it is what it is.

I have a whole series on this blog about the Black female subculture (yes it is distinct) and the kinds of men that they tend to be attracted to. Now of course not all Black women fall into that category… but I would say…from common sense, general observations and anecdotal evidence that at least a small majority between ages 20 & 40 probably fall into that group. Anyone who still doubts this phenomenon is in a serious state of denial.

That’s one side of the coin that I have to face. The other side is that I don’t tend to have it any easier with non-Black women. I tend to be more attracted to non-Black women, but they generally aren’t attracted to me. I typically don’t fit what they are looking for in terms of race and socio-economics. The financial part of that probably has a lot to do with it…. But that is strongly tied to race.

What am I getting at? How does a Black Man date when the options are so limited?

When dealing with non-Black women I often run into the dreaded “white men only” problem. These are primarily White, Asian, Hispanic, & East Indian women…but in a few cases I have encountered this from Black women - those few who I did have an interest in.

Back in the early 2000’s I was brave enough to post a profile on a few online dating services. I would use online services because they were convenient and because I don’t go to places such as nightclubs or bars to find dates. I’ve never set foot in one…and don’t plan to. I hate the nightclub culture. There’s nothing & no one in a nightclub that I want - period!

But what I typically found on the online services is that all the women who I would contact or would signal an interest in would almost uniformly mention in their profiles or would confirm in their responses that they were only interested in white men or that they could not/would not date a Black man. It got so bad that I eventually realized that if I wanted a chance to meet someone… I would have to remove any indication of my race from my profile. But leaving the race category blank only led to more aggravation. It only created a situation where I would waste time emailing someone back and forth (successfully) over a number of days, only to be stabbed in the chest when I would be forced to reveal my race, usually before a date or meeting.

“Oh, by the way… I just want to make sure you know that I’m Black”. “You do know that I’m a Black guy right?”

Typical response:

“Sorry… I don’t date Black guys”.

Or

“You seem nice, but my family would not approve of me dating a Black man. I will have to cancel for tomorrow night. Sorry for the confusion. Good luck in your search.”

Or

“No need to contact me again. I don’t deal with Black guys”.


You get the idea.

This became a constant problem. It became such a pain in the ass that I gave up dating only after one Summer & decided to concentrate on School/work. I didn’t want to deal with all the aggravation involved in the dating game.

And it goes back to why I don’t approach women and never have. It’s primarily because I have never believed that I was good enough to actually prevail and win the hunt so to speak… or to “get the girl” (at least not the women who interest me). “Not good enough” refers to not only being the wrong ethnicity, but it also refers to not having reached a level of socio-economic status that would allow me to compensate. This is why I’m single, have always been single, and will likely die single. Men have to be good at “the chase” and it’s something that I don’t even have the desire to do.

I most often got these responses from Asian women. I don’t know if this was because I interacted with more Asian women online (or don’t think I did) or because racial prejudice was more prevalent in that group….. who knows?

But what’s behind the “White Men Only” phenomenon? Few people are willing to do sociological studies on interracial dating to answer that kind of question because it may be too taboo, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that race tends to be associated with socio-economics.

White, Hispanic, and especially Asian women (and yes a few Black women) see White men as a symbol of money, a symbol of success, and a symbol of stability & financial security (the primary thing that women seek and the way that men are measured by women). In all the important areas….White men seem to be the better choice…. It’s just natural selection in a way. White men are associated with all that’s good.
Black men, on the other hand, tend to be associated with all that’s bad. Black men tend to be associated with crime, irresponsibility, a lack of values, sexual aggressiveness, poor education, and as a whole being lower on the socio-economic ladder.

The heart of the story is that my dating options will always be limited. I have always seen my race almost as a disability when it comes to dating…and dating freedom. It’s like a prison for me. Add socio-economics to the mix and I feel even more handicapped by race. It‘s constraining. I always feel like I’m in sort of a racial Purgatory. I don’t feel at home or at peace in Black Culture. In fact, I don’t identify with Black Culture. The Culture annoys me (that’s the nice way of putting it). And I have never felt accepted or welcomed by any other group. I‘ve never been able to “fit in” with any particular Culture or group. I don’t have an attraction to Black women (generally speaking) and they don’t have any attraction to me because I don’t fit their image of “Black Manhood”. And White, Asian, and Hispanic women aren’t interested because I’m not White & I can’t compete with what a White man can provide for them (in terms of money, social status, a trophy, looks, as a family provider, as financial security, etc). There are Asian-American families who consider their daughters to be successful if they meet and marry a White guy (craziness!!!). They may not say that publicly…but that’s the general thinking process for some Asians.

That leaves me socially confined. I’ve always felt like a prisoner in my own skin.

When and if I try dating again in a few years (once my financial fortunes improve) my options are still going to be extremely limited. But then again… we are in the age of Obama and attitudes about race are supposedly changing… so I guess I’ll have to wait and see if there is some sort of improvement. Some people believe that Black is in fashion….I have heard and read comments to that effect. But I don’t really buy into that…and I don’t believe the rise of a political figure could really translate into an improvement in the realm of dating relationships… the level of tolerance needed to accept a Black President is different from the level of tolerance needed to actually bring someone home and have someone in your life who is of a different race. These are two different things.

Skin Whitening All The Rage In Asia

Skin whitening has been around for many years, particularly in Asia. Its popularity has grown in recent years...and has become big business across Asia. It's mostly an issue for Asian women. I first read about this (as it relates to Asians) back in the early 2000's and I have always been a little intrigued by it. This is because I find Asian women to be most attractive in their natural state...in their natural skin tone.

Hear a public radio story (from theworld.org) from earlier this week... which explores this issue. Some of these women are risking their health just to look more white.

What is behind this social craze? Who are Asian women trying to please...or who are they seeking approval from? (I have my ideas on that). Is the White European standard of beauty behind it? I believe that this is probably part of what motivates these women. A Filipina woman offers her take on what's behind this phenomenon, and she provides some very good insight. It's interesting how the "n" word comes up.... but then again it all ties in to the bigger issue of racism and how having darker skin is seen as negative, inferior, etc. Skin lightening products and the topic of skin tone have been issues for Blacks as well. The story regarding Asians just shows how global this issue is.

I also believe that the desire for White/European men has something to do with it. It's probably no coincidence that many Asian women prefer white men... especially if these women are in a setting where White men are plentiful and available. This is what I have noticed over the years just through general observation. Unfortunately this is something that isn't studied extensively. But I wonder what the role of colonialism... self-esteem... Western Pop culture, etc plays in this.

Tavis Smiley Discusses Miscegenation Laws

Hear discussion with Dr. Peggy Pascoe. Discussion from last week.

See Reviews
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Related Post

Interracial Relationships still threatening to some (esp. Blacks).

Mildred Loving Has Passed Away

From The NYTimes.com:

Mildred Loving, matriarch of interracial marriage, dies
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: May 5, 2008
Filed at 4:25 p.m. ET

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) -- Mildred Loving, a black woman whose challenge to Virginia's ban on interracial marriage led to a landmark Supreme Court ruling striking down such laws nationwide, has died, her daughter said Monday.

Peggy Fortune said Loving, 68, died Friday at her home in rural Milford. She did not disclose the cause of death.

''I want (people) to remember her as being strong and brave yet humble -- and believed in love,'' Fortune told The Associated Press.

Loving and her white husband, Richard, changed history in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld their right to marry. The ruling struck down laws banning racially mixed marriages in at least 17 states.

''There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the equal protection clause,'' the court ruled in a unanimous decision.

Her husband died in 1975. Shy and soft-spoken, Loving shunned publicity and in a rare interview with The Associated Press last June, insisted she never wanted to be a hero -- just a bride.

''It wasn't my doing,'' Loving said. ''It was God's work.''

Mildred Jeter was 11 when she and 17-year-old Richard began courting, according to Phyl Newbeck, a Vermont author who detailed the case in the 2004 book, ''Virginia Hasn't Always Been for Lovers.''

She became pregnant a few years later, she and Loving got married in Washington in 1958, when she was 18. Mildred told the AP she didn't realize it was illegal.

''I think my husband knew,'' Mildred said. ''I think he thought (if) we were married, they couldn't bother us.''

But they were arrested a few weeks after they returned to Central Point, their hometown in rural Caroline County north of Richmond. They pleaded guilty to charges of ''cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth,'' according to their indictments.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia -- the only home they'd known -- for 25 years. They moved to Washington for several years, then launched a legal challenge by writing to Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, who referred the case to the American Civil Liberties Union.

Attorneys later said the case came at the perfect time -- just as lawmakers passed the Civil Rights Act, and as across the South, blacks were defying Jim Crow's hold.

''The law that threatened the Lovings with a year in jail was a vestige of a hateful, discriminatory past that could not stand in the face of the Lovings' quiet dignity,'' said Steven Shapiro, national legal director for the ACLU.

''We loved each other and got married,'' she told The Washington Evening Star in 1965, when the case was pending. ''We are not marrying the state. The law should allow a person to marry anyone he wants.''

After the Supreme Court ruled, the couple returned to Virginia, where they lived with their children, Donald, Peggy and Sidney. Each June 12, the anniversary of the ruling, Loving Day events around the country mark the advances of mixed-race couples.

Richard Loving died in a car accident that also injured his wife. ''They said I had to leave the state once, and I left with my wife,'' he told the Star in 1965. ''If necessary, I will leave Virginia again with my wife, but I am not going to divorce her.''

She stood up for the right to love whomever she wanted.RIP, Mrs. Loving, for you have now rejoined your husband.

Interracial Relationships - Still Threatening To Some

But This Blogger Is Not Threatened, and Feels That People Should Be Free to Be With Whomever They Choose Without Fear, Scorn or Guilt.

What is behind the fear?

This is a topic that I did not want to tackle just yet, but I wanted to respond to comments made by a blogger regarding interracial marriage.

A fellow African American blogger- who I will not name- stated on NPR earlier this month that Black women who chose to marry men of another race were in his words, “traitors”. He went on to challenge the “blackness” of his fellow NPR guest for his opposition to the statement.

I was shocked and a little embarrassed by the statements because, for one, they seemed to run contrary to other statements made by this blogger in the past…where he seemed to be open to the idea. I had been familiar with the writings of this particular blogger because I have allowed him to occasionally cross-post/co-blog on this site. I was a little disappointed by the comments because I was happy about his opportunity to be on the show…and didn’t want him to blow it. I also was hoping that the comments were a fluke.. But after the airing of the show, this blogger proceeded to attempt to defend his statements, which I thought were indefensible.

I actually found myself in agreement with the other guests on the show- James Collier, and LaShawn Barber (somewhat troubling, lol). Now I still have respect for this blogger, and I continue to read his blog. He is a very talented blogger. He is also still welcomed to post here… but there is no way that I can allow him to have a pass after I have criticized other bloggers on NPR’s News and Notes program who have made questionable statements. I will not post the episode of the NPR program here…and I don’t want it posted here… but I did want to bring the subject up.

The statements were dead wrong! People should be able to date and marry whomever they choose, regardless of ethnic, cultural, or religious differences. The blogger who made the comments does not represent me or this blog when he is expressing these sentiments. Although, he is entitled to his opinion.

I don’t think someone can be considered a traitor because of who they choose to have a relationship with. And I don’t even think that the concept of “traitor” is valid today. Interracial relationships are becoming a much bigger part of America. It is a reality that is not going away. The race traitor talk comes from a close-minded ideology that is well past its expiration date. People are moving past this way of thinking.


I think that Black women should feel free to date whoever they want, without guilt. There does seem to be a shortage of what they call “marriageable” Black men. Not a shortage of men per se… but a lack of those who meet their economic, educational, and social standards. Should they be expected to die alone, waiting on a Black man to sweep them off their feet? Of course not. Now I will say that some Black women seem to be demanding when it comes to the standards that a man has to reach before he is considered “marriageable”. But then again, this has become the norm for most women, regardless of race/ethnic background. I guess men have always been judged by the “marriageability” standard… income, career, ability to support a wife and family, etc etc. But in recent decades, it has become even more important.
And I also notice that Black women get upset about this as well, from the other side. In fact, Black women seem to have more of a problem with it than Black men. That would probably be because there are more Black Male/other couples than Black Female/other.

My Personal Perspective On Interracial Relationships

When I was in Middle School and High school, I always had a hard time identifying with Black popular culture. Although I had White friends, Black friends, & friends of various other different races, I always felt like I did not belong when I was around my Black peers. I always seemed to identify more with other groups. So I was in a dilemma. I didn’t feel like I was part of my own group, yet non-Black groups would never really accept me either. So I always felt like I really did not belong to any group.

And when it came to dealing with the opposite sex, I ran into the same problem. Most of the Black girls were always (literally) competing for the bad boys, thugs, gangbangers, jocks, the troublemakers, etc. I’m not saying that this was an issue that was exclusive to Black girls. Girls of other racial backgrounds also suffered from the Bad Boy disease. But it seemed to be more pronounced with the Black girls. If you were trying to do good in school, you were considered “uncool” & thus unattractive (according to the Black girls at least). Education seemed to be despised… Ironic considering that we were in school, lol. I also never had much in common with my Black female counterparts. I seemed to be more interested in the young ladies of other ethnic groups. But once again, there was the issue of race. I never knew how to talk to any of them and was always worried about not being accepted. So my High School dating life was non-existent. In Middle School, I went to dances alone. And later in High School, I avoided each and every one of these events. Although I did go to a regional academic tournament to represent my High School, but that wasn’t a social event… That was my government teachers idea for getting me to participate more in school activities.


Fast forward to adulthood, and I still deal with the same problems of identity. I didn’t date until very late. And I quickly realized how much I hated the ritual…. Which is why I didn’t date long. I am currently 3 years into a long intermission. But for the short time that I did date, most of those dates were interracial. I make no apologies. And when I start dating again, I expect to have several dates with women of other racial backgrounds. Now I would love to find a Black woman who fits what I want, but I’m not going to grow old waiting for her to magically land at my front door. Does that make me a race traitor? Is “traitor” talk even appropriate in today’s world? Is it obsolete? Was it ever appropriate?

Have you had an interracial dating experience? If not, would you consider one? If you have had an interracial dating experience, what was it like? For me, I just recall all the strange stares from people. I felt uncomfortable… but I don’t know if that was from the date, or from the stupid looks from people. That is something that I am going to have to get used to. I commend people who have to deal with this and who choose to endure it for years. I don’t know if I have the armor to deal with the reactions. As I mentioned, I’d much rather have a Black woman who fits what I want… but I can’t build myself an android. I have to wait for the real thing. But in the meantime… No limits. I like all of the varieties that are available.

And Black women…. Why do you get so upset about Black men dating out, especially in light of the fact that so many Black women are now doing the same?

Related Article

Interracial Marriages Flourishing